Going Crazy?

I have to say that I am dreadfully tired of this whole "homeless" thing.


I want  place to hang my hat.


I was just starting to feel like a regular person again, (after 3 showers) free of grime and stench, and... back to normal.


Wally and I met up with Tony for coffee and a good long talk. He is doing just fine. He got called back for the job in Alaska and plans to go. He got the prep cook position he was wanting and this time he'll be gone for six months. He's really excited about going and I am excited for him.


We also went and visited Danielle for a while. She has started this semester going to school online. I think she'll do much better at it than Tony did. (Heck, she is the most self-motivated person I have ever seen in my life.) She seems to be doing very well and there was no mention of her guardianship... She did briefly mention that she thought it would be best for her to live with her own "parents"... which put a little spark in my eye and a bounce back in my step.


Then... Wally and I were back out into the world with no where to really go. There is no place to be.


We went to the library and stayed until it closed. Then we headed north. We'd taken to parking in a rest stop that is up towards where I work. I thought it was best to move around a bit, not be in the same place night after night. It turned out to be a mistake to stay at the rest stop two nights in a row. We were woken up and asked to leave.


I worked my three days. All of them were twelve hour shifts. All of them were tough this week. I left every night with no place to go to clean up much. The only place to lay is in the backseat of the car which I share with Wally. It's been wet and cold but at least it hasn't snowed. The only thing I've done is work, eat and sleep. That's it.


I was feeling more miserable than usual when I left work... tired, sore, and dirty.


I have the next three days off. I have my paycheck in my pocket plus some leftover cash from our friends surprise delivery... so I started thinking...


I don't think I can take another night in the car... not tonight anyway... I know I should save the money... but... I'm going a little bit crazy... I don't know what to do... I can't decide what would be best...


I decided to get a room... not just for the night... for a few nights... I need a good dose of the basics of life, showers, clean clothes, a handy restroom, and a warm dry place to sleep. I need rest. I need to sit still and think for a while, or maybe NOT to think for a while... maybe a few days to not think about anything... to leave my worries at the door.

Resting

It was a really rough week... a lot of junk happened. There were a lot of ups and downs. 


We pretty much ran out of money again, just to be surprised by a very kind friend. 


Work has been going great and then I found out that my job will not be lasting. I don't know why I was so shocked. Why did I expect anything more this time? Why did I think I was special by being chosen out of so many for this "scheduled temp" position?


I'm starting to think I am "special" in a mentally retarded sort of way...


It has been proven to me over and over again since I got out here that there is no such thing as stable, long term employment here... not for me anyway... not with independent companies, not with nationwide companies, not with small companies... not in the grocery industry, restaurant industry, or industrial work. 


I will be out of work the last week of February while they are closed for inventory. (At least they gave us notice.) Then I will be out of work for good in October when the entire barline goes to automation. My job will no longer exist. 


October... right as winter hits... *sigh*... I don't think I can take another winter out here... Another winter struggling to find work... no, I don't want to do another one... I've had enough.


I finished out my workweek with my head spinning. It was another three days of being miserable, of being wet, cold and dirty as we slept in the car. 

The highlight of those days was the evening that we picked up a hot pizza and we ate the whole thing! 


I've also been very worried about my kids. I've had no idea what's going on in Tony's life. Not knowing tends to make your imagination go wild. For Danielle, I've just been giving it space and time... My feelings were hurt and I'll admit I've been a bit angry over it. I've had to back off from it so I can go back into it free of bitterness. I don't want to punish Dani for being honest with me. 


My paycheck came in, (the one with the extra days) and I was not disappointed with this one... We got a hotel room for two nights... part of me kicks myself... wasting  money... the expense... the other part of me says... forget about it... you need this... you need this to be able to go on... 


It has been wonderful.


I've taken three showers, slathered myself with lotion, the flaky skin is gone, the grime of the week is gone, my hair is clean. I've sprawled out all over the king sized beds soft sheets and fluffy pillows. I took a nap! I changed into clean clothes and I've been able to use the restroom whenever I need to. 


Today we go back to our mobile life... back to meals at the soup kitchens, public restrooms, wifi at the library, and sleeping in the car. We head back north tonight as I return to work tomorrow morning.


Yes, I think all of this is giving me a different outlook on life.

Who Knew?

It was a tough week...


By Wednesday, Wally and I were kind of looking at each other wondering what to do... we were running out of money, our food stamps ran out, 160 for a month doesn't go very far when you have no access to cooking anything.


I think we did pretty well by buying 99 cent bread, lunchmeat, cheese, and cheap salad dressing (blue cheese)  to make sandwiches and the store brands potato salad, or mac salad for 1.25.


Do you ever wonder why the fat lady in front you in the checkout, (that pays with food stamps), buys nothing but junk food? Have you ever turned your nose up at that and thought, "My gosh! She's getting FREE food and only getting JUNK!??!"..... 


I have.


Now I am on the other side of the stick though... and guess what?


Milk is over 3 bucks a gallon. Juice is 3 or 4 bucks. Soda is 99 cents for a two liter. 


I want the milk or juice... but.... I have to buy the soda.


The rest is the same... fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, are just simply NOT affordable. Out here, in the west, the price of vegetables per pound is often much more than the meat. 


I just don't understand it.


But I won't roll my eyes and scoff again at the big-butt in front of me that has a cart full of soda, Lil Debbie brownies, store brand sugary cereal, and ramen noodles ever again... because I understand WHY there is nothing "healthy" or "nutritional" in her cart... I understand now... 


I understand THAT.  


I had my paycheck coming in on Thursday... but that was no help yet... We needed gas money so that I could get to work in a city 20 miles north of us the following morning. 


We went by the apartment to check the mail... and oh-my-thank-you-thank-you!!! There was a letter in the mail from a friend that wanted to help us. There was some money in it. OH! The timing could not have been better.


We went straight down and put 20 bucks of gas in the car... that would get me to work for the week!


Saved... I'm freeking saved.... I will pay it back and then some... just like with my other friends that helped us.  


The thing that puzzles me is... why wasn't my family there? I asked them for help. I got the answer no, along with insults or no response at all. I guess my brother Ed won't bother himself to write to me again until the next time he thinks he's dying! (like the last time)  


I can't fathom what I've ever done to make them think so poorly of me... except that they do not know me at all and are making guesses about my life. 


I keep thinking of my brother Marvin too... he got sick, he couldn't pay his bills, he lost his apartment while he was in the hospital. He was basically homeless when he got out. Oh, yeah, our brother, Ed, "helped" by giving away and selling most of Marv's stuff.... How kind of him.... I never said anything but that really pissed me off.


I did not know what all was happening at the time, but as soon as I found out that Marv was living with friends of his which wasn't really a good situation, I told him he was welcome in my home... and he lived with us from then on, then a spent a short time on his own, then came back to us... then he died.


Everyone in my family said no (or ignored) Marvin too, when he seriously needed help... except me...because... 


I have this silly idea you see... something about how family is supposed to take care of family and love each other and take care of each other... Perhaps I am unique. 


What I'm thinking of is my step-mom insisting that my father hug me.


Families are supposed to hug when they greet each other she said.


Huh?


We were never like that.


We did hug each other, because she insisted, we both felt like we were hugging slimy worms. I'm glad I'll never have to see him again. Don't get me wrong... there was no type of abuse of any kind involved. There just simply is no affection. 


My aunt Sue thinking that I'm on drugs...I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. What is she thinking? 


I thought she knew me well.


I love her... but there have been many times that I have not liked her at all. She is not without flaw. Really when I think about it, I know of quite a few of HER "bad choices". 


Yes, I have had a lot of time to think...


I think that I like to imagine that my family are something that they aren't. I think I've enjoyed imagining that for a long time... decades... It's time to just accept it for what it is.


Why won't they help me?


Why wouldn't they help Marvin?


Oh it has taken me too long to see this...


They don't care.

The #1 Goal

Thursday I picked up my paycheck and had to go down to make the car payment.


I had worked three 12 hours shifts for that check and was very disappointed that I didn't even make enough to cover the entire car payment. I don't know... I just don't know if anything will ever get any better.


I was really excited to start my semi-new job. Being a "scheduled temp" is a big step up from being a regular temp. I will no longer have to rely on Blob-Employ to call me for work. I will be on the schedule at Nature's.


My first day was pretty much a disaster as halfway through the day I slipped and fell. The big problem was that I was not wearing their non-skid shoe booties that I was supposed to have on. I could be, at the very least, reprimanded for that... at the very worst, terminated from Nature's and from Blob-Employ.


I was puzzled when I checked our schedule and I was not on it. 


Then I found out that I was not actually a scheduled temp... yet... they were still testing me...


Oh, joy...


I was worried and confused. First I have the job, then I don't, oh but I do, oh no I don't, but I might... well, crap. What can I do? 


For those three days, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I was as friendly and sweet as I could possibly be as I pretty much just lived for work and tried to put my best foot forward... with a non-skid bootie on.


It became harder and harder as I was getting extremely tired since I had already worked Monday and Wednesday that week. I was sore from falling and stiff from sleeping in the cold, damp car. I was feeling dirtier by the moment since I had not been able to really get cleaned up beyond a sponge bath at the rest stop bathroom. I had to start wearing my stupid looking hat to hide my hair again.


Sunday we had a fabulous day at work, managing to package and palletize fifty-thousand more bars than has ever been done before in one shift. 


And I was welcomed to the team... officially. 


Monday my three days off started and I finally had the time to sit still and let everything soak in...


At this point we're just holding our breath until Thursday when I'm paid again, since we are pretty much broke again. It seems like every day we figure out another way to avoid spending money, but still survive. 


Maybe I should write a book about THAT someday...


The long nights we've had in the car, I've had a lot of time to think, and I've been thinking about everything... my kids, Wally and our situation, my family, Jake, what my priorities should be, what my goals are... and how I can get myself OUT of this stinking mess!!!! 


At least I can say now, that my #1 goal has been accomplished... I've found something I have been trying to find for the past five years... a steady full-time job.

More Plans

Yeah, Tuesday was really a stinker... 


In order to sooth my mood I decided to completely take the day off... I was tired, sore, grubby and feeling defeated... 


We didn't have much money left but I was looking forward to being paid Thursday... always looking toward the future.. that is me... always living today in hopes of what will happen tomorrow... which does not work because tomorrow never comes... not like I imagine it anyway... 


We went to get a few groceries, splurged on a 3 dollar microwave pizza, and headed down to get a room for the night. I was determined not to worry about one more stupid thing that day... 


We ended up getting the same room that we got last week. They charged us more for it than before. I scoffed at the price and asked if it might be a mistake, then I stewed as I paid the extra and swore to myself that we would not return there... The place is a real dump and if I wasn't in the position I'm in, I would raise a holy terror about the condition of the rooms and the prices demanded... 


The whiskers from when Wally shaved last week were STILL in the sink...


I briefly wondered if we'd get bedbugs... What was I thinking?... It's too damned COLD for bedbugs to survive here! Haha!


All I wanted to do was play on the internet, and even the internet connection was the pits there, so soon enough I was frustrated and lost in my own thoughts...


I should be working... The shape I'm in right now?... I should be working as much as I can... I should be LOOKING for work, instead of staring into this frozen computer screen..


The next morning, Wednesday, Wally and I were getting ready to check out and had planned to go get a free hot lunch at the church, then I had an appointment to donate plasma, and then we'd spend the rest of the day at the library. The phone rang and I answered it. I was called in to work.


Here we go again, cancel all plans... I went in to work. "Plans" would be postponed until Thursday...


Thursday the phone rang again... called in again?


No... This time it was Blob-Employ wondering if I'd be interested in taking a "scheduled position" at the cereal plant. They had requested me... 


It's a three days 'on", three days "off" shift... starting the next day... Friday, Saturday, Sunday... 12 hour shifts.


Yes, I'll take it! 

Best Laid Plans

I've always been the kind of person that tries to make plans, set goals, follow through with things, and generally be organized. 


For the past few years I've found all that to be impossible for me and it causes me hair-pulling aggravation.


Why the heck is it SO hard to plan something and actually see it come to be?... a start, a mid-point, and a finish.


It is worse now than ever since I am mobile. Start. Back up. Reverse that. Start over. Erase that. Change direction. Dead end. Start over... 


It was a busy week. I worked Wednesday (12hrs), Friday(12hrs), Saturday night (catering) Sunday(12hrs).. I had plans Monday to work on my taxes and go donate plasma, then I was called in to work... Stop everything. Go to work. 


I hit a bump with my taxes. I'm trying to e-file. It will not accept Wally's "Tax Identification Number". I paid a lot of money last year to GET the damned thing and now it won't work? It is supposed to be a permanent number, until he gets his Social Security Number. Because of Wally's status I cannot even qualify for the Earned Income Credit anymore. Argh! 


Work Monday was interesting. I seem to be starting to fit in at the cereal plant. They seem to like me. Everybody seems to know my name now, which surprises me. Is it what it seems?


I was approached by one of the Triangle operators and asked if I'd be interested in becoming an operator. He wants to try to get me hired in there. I was outwardly acting thrilled. Inside, I'm too afraid to hope for anything.


Then I was approached by my new friend there and asked if I'd be interested in a "scheduled temp" position on the barline. That just means that I work the same shifts and do the same jobs as the regular employees for the temps pay. (2 dollars less per hour) The good part is that it's full-time work and pretty much guaranteed unless I screw it up. 


Okay... so, now I have two possible maybes... and I'm stumped as to what to do... If I go to Blob-Employ expressing interest in both of these positions all I'm gonna get is a big fat possible nothing... probably... and no more work at all... maybe... 


Tuesday morning I was exhausted. I wanted to get cleaned up. I wanted to go see Danielle. I planned to go donate plasma since I didn't make it the previous day. I wanted to make some calls and figure out how I can finish my taxes. 


We went to "Soups On" to eat... We got there too late to get showers or do laundry. Then we headed out to see Danielle. 


Dani and I stood out front of the home she's living in as she told me that she wanted Kay to be her permanent guardian... temporarily... sort of... you know... she wants Kay to be her permanent guardian.


I stood there feeling as though I'd been kicked in the chest. 


Okay.


I asked her to take some more time to think it over, and that I needed some time to think it over too. In the end if we both believe that it would be in her best interest... then... I'll make sure that Kay gets some kind of support payments to help her out. 


My stomach instantly soured... The bitterness that I'm feeling is rotting me from the inside out. I can feel myself decaying... 


Wally came up, "You want to hang out for a while?"


"No," I said, "I want to go right now,"


We said our goodbye's, see ya later, hugged and kissed and I went to get in the car. 


"I don't want to go donate plasma today. I'm not up to it," I told Wally. "Then why did you make the appointment?" he chuckled. 


I was silent... 


Because I always make plans...

Today Was Different

I woke up this morning in the backseat of the car. I was slumped over sideways, Wally's head was resting on my hip. It's gotten warmer, thank goodness. No ice on the interior of the windows, just condensation. My knees hurt. I can't stretch out. My back hurts, I can't lay down all the way.


I want fried eggs. I don't care how they are cooked. I pushed that thought from my head. I won't be having eggs today... 


We slept in late. It was 7:30. We need to get out of here. We're worried about being a problem. We don't want a problem, we only want a safe place to park.


We went to the coffee shop. Time went too fast.


We left. What do we do now? I'm hungry. 


I need to find a way to get cleaned up. I have a catering gig tonight. We stopped by where Dani is staying. Dani wasn't there and Kay wasn't there. Okay... So... I'm not going to call any of my "friends" here to ask if I can come over to shower. I'm not telling anyone I'm homeless. I don't want to see the look on their face, and really... I don't want them thinking... and they will think... 


It reminds me of the book that I'm reading about a young woman that came from the east coast to the west coast to a small town in Alaska and she had a lot of trouble fitting in. She said that it didn't matter what your intentions were but it DID matter what it looked like. Quite right. I can totally relate. 


Let's go ahead and get a hotel room for tonight I suggested. I'd really rather save it for a time when I could enjoy it more, but I have to get cleaned up. Wally needs it too. 


Hey! We can get some frozen food to microwave! So we did... lasagna and bread sticks.


My hair was a rats nest. I try to keep it brushed out but, I dunno what it is... sleeping in the car? I must be sleeping on my head and wiggling a lot. I wake up in the morning with a gnarled mess of hair on the back on my head. It's weird.


I have one small bag packed with real work clothes, one complete set of bakers whites, and one complete set of catering blacks, including underwear, socks and shoes. Ah yeah, my beloved black boots. 


It seemed like the next minute and I was clean, dressed sharply all in black, my hair soft and shiny, no make-up but I did find my black eye-liner.


The show is ON.


I throw a white towel over my arm, grab a hot plate of appetizers and handful of small napkins and hit the floor with my black boots clicking. 


The room is beautiful, dimly lit, candles on the tables, it's very stylish, hot, the music is funky. I almost feel like I'm AT the party instead of serving for it. 


I have to stand up straight, smile, walk fast, squeeze through the chairs... you really need to be thin to do these catering jobs. Tonight I was thin enough. 


I went through four trays of appetizers instantly, crab cakes, 2 of the mushroom tarts, then spring rolls... The fifth one I had trouble with. It was crustini with roast beef, caramelized onion and Ranier cherry...  


There was an appetizer buffet also with raw veggies and shrimp cocktail. 


We served a three course meal, plus clearing and fetching drinks. I had three tables, 8-tops, with a partner helping me.


In the kitchen I was offered one left over jumbo shrimp. Heaven... Heaven I tell you... 


Clearing the dinner dishes I was throwing half pieces of perfectly cooked fillet mignon in the garbage can. It was making me sick. 


After we cleared the plates for dessert we were sent home...


Home.


I came out to my car, had to open the passenger door to open the drivers door from the inside to get in. Pain in the ass. It was raining so I had to drive with my left blinker going constantly (like I'm a retard or something)  so that my windshield wipers will work. Ugh...


It's been a long time since I've had a car as crappy as this one. It looks okay but it seems that everything keeps breaking. Oh well, at least it's half-way paid for.


I come home to a hotel room that I must leave in a few hours to go to another job. A twelve hour shift. 


I need to sleep but I so much want to savor having a place to stay... having my shoes off... stretching out... I want to take another shower... mmmmm... maybe I'll just curl up in bed with my love... Oh I won't want to get up... 


Tomorrow will be different.