Tuesday, April 19, 2011

No Fear

I'm in kind of an odd state of mind I suppose... I think I'm confused...  maybe... or perhaps this is what clarity is like.


I spent last night in a fevered state of pain with my wrist... oh just everything hurting... pain means you're alive... sweating... I had no fear. I knew it would pass. It would end as all things do. I could kind of hear myself moan... then I dozed again... sleep means no more pain... 


The sun came up... but it's cold enough to snow in mid April.... hmmm... 


One thing that's happened to me after going through our mobile life in January is... how can I put it?... Fear has diminished in my life.. diminished?...isn't the right word... it has been extinguished. 


Life has been going on. Wally and I have been happy together. Work has been steady.


Then I found out that the plant is shuttering for a week during Easter and all that hoppy stuff. No work for a week... man I'm gonna be scrambling for eggs... I can't go for a week without work.  


Life's been pretty weird for me to adjust to as my daughter has made her break from me. 


I haven't known what to think... then I heard from her. She sent me a friend request on Facebook and then after a few days I got her email. It wasn't a good one. 


Ruh Roh Elroy... here comes the brutal truth... from a mother that  is now hardened and has no fear. 


*Sigh*  There are some days I wish I'd never even bothered... I wish I'd never bothered to go get her from Florida and put myself through the panic of leaving Tony here on his own and put Wally through the trip there with me and then back here to make sure Tony was okay... not to mention I made sure I put her father through absolute hell through the whole thing. I wish I'd never bothered to work two and three jobs to pay for sports physicals, uniforms and violin rentals that were not  appreciated then and not remembered today.  Yeah I guess I can just wish in one hand and P**P in the other, I know which one will fill up first.


In the end it all means nothing to her and nothing to me.... anymore... time for me to forget it.   


Well, it's all just too bad as she's placed several conditions on us having a relationship. I must stop drinking. (will my drug test results from work do? I am tested quite frequently) She could ask Tony. Heck I work 12 hour shifts... (Why does she think I'm just like Kay? I am NOTHING like Kay.) Yeah, okay. She wants me to go to AA with her and Kay. And Kay must be a part of my life. "It just has to be a three way communication"... she says. 


Uh huh... Well? You know what? 


There are no conditions placed upon love. None... well except when it comes to me being loved.. obviously. This is nothing new for me really, I'm thinking of Jake... I'd love you if... you did this... you did that.... oh... if you were someone else.... haha!!! 


I'm fine with going to AA with Dani. But not WITH Kay. I don't ever want to see Kay again. I'm also really NOT FINE with Dani insisting that Kay and I communicate as a condition of us continuing a relationship. 


I tried before. Kay treated me like I'm a doormat. I'm done. 


I don't want anything to do with Kay.


I'm not happy with my daughter thinking that it's okay to place restrictions upon my access of her attention. 


I'm just sayin'....  I won't play this game.


At this point I clearly know how important I am to my daughter. She has made that quite clear. 


I don't do drama.


My tears don't fall fast. 


It's all okay. She wants to see me for her birthday? Pluuuuuullleeeeeeeze....Wtf! She sure as heck didn't want to see me before! Why Now?  She's suddenly decided that she loves me and misses me? I don't buy that.  Uncle already. Enough.
  
This is crap.


I'm taking another path.  


I believe in love and I have NO fear.... 

4 comments:

  1. She probably wants to see you because she wants a birthday present. Kids don't care what you spend on them. They don't even think about it. My son had to have a trumpet for band. I paid $160 for it plus $20 for books and a couple of months later he decides he didn't want to do it. I told him he has to do band this year. Then I will try to sell the trumpet next year. That was a total waste of money. Hope your wrist gets better, my knee has been hurting me a lot. Pain sucks.

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  2. This is for you and Dani to work out, Kay does not need to be a part of this...Kay is feeding Dani the words and she is just repeating what she is being told to say....Kay needs to get real...
    Love you,
    Sabine

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  4. I agree with Sabine, Kim.

    With everything going on in your life and Dani's, I have to tell you I do feel a little sorry for her; she is old enough to know better than to pursue the behavior she does, but she's immature and in an environment in which she is easily manipulated.

    It's probably too much to hope she will change her way of thinking any time soon, but I hope she will see through the manipulative influence which guides her actions today.

    Life is too short to treat others--and herself--so miserably.

    Please consider yourself soundly hugged, Kim.

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