Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Weirdest Day Ever

I went in to work for my "Friday"... It was only Thursday, but it was my last day of work this week. I asked Wally to hang out in the parking lot for a while because I just had this feeling that they were going to be sending us home.

I went to the building and sure enough there was a buzz going around but it was not yet clear what was going on. We were told to go ahead and get in our gear and head out to "transition", which we all did.

Once there we stood in a circle listening to our lead ramble on about what was coming up next. The night crew was finishing up the last skid of the order and then an allergen clean was scheduled. That's a 12 hour cleaning process and that means only the wrapper operators, batchers and carton operators remain.

That means the rest of us were to be sent home.

It seems to me they could've just said this in the first place...

I was already tired and weary from the past couple of days at work. They were really rough days. We were extremely busy and running very fast... My wrist has been throbbing, and everything else has just been hurting.

I also should say that I'm tired of being a grown up. I'm tired of being responsible with my money and still being poor. I'm tired of working hard and having it not seem to matter. I'm tired of rarely having any fun.

So, I'm out in the parking lot, in the rain at 7:20 in the morning... No car... No Wally... I went back to the building... No key... so I'm pounding on the door for someone to let me back in so I can call Wally. He explained that he'd dozed off and thought he woke up late so he'd started heading toward town...

He'd been itching to get back to town and not happy staying in Bayside. It's too small and it's crawling with border patrol and he's quite paranoid about it. Why? I don't know why. I don't care what the reason is  anymore.. that is his issue, not mine.

I have insisted on staying in Bayside. We just don't have the money or gas to waste traveling back and forth. Period.

On payday we'd go back to town. It was Thursday. Payday... and Wally was busting it to get back to town, even if it meant waiting around for hours before he could pick up my check.

I was a bit annoyed but... (what the heck is wrong with me?... I dunno)... I couldn't stay annoyed.

He came back to get me and then we headed to town together, low on gas and out of money, with no clue what we were going to do with our day.

We were stopped at a rest stop for a bathroom break, when it occurred to me, I can go donate plasma! That'll be 20 bucks. Ha! So we went straight there. I was able to get right in and an hour later I was walking out. I went to buy a candy bar, got cash back and we put some gas in the car. From there we headed up to the reservation to get some cigarettes... haven't had any in a week... probably should not have bothered at this point but... we wanted them...

The place is right beside the casino so Wally suggested we go over there to get some free coffee. I didn't want to go. Then as we started to leave, I thought.. what the heck! Coffee sounded good and we had about two hours to kill before heading to the church for lunch.

We each got a coffee and wandered around in the casino looking at the games.... hmmmm... "Do we have any money at all left baby?" I asked Wally, and he started to laugh telling me that I was reading his mind again.

We had four dollars left, so I took two and Wally took two. We sat down side by side to just play those dollars away... I decided to just play 5 cents at a time. I'd be able to play for a while that way. Wally was soon doing the same thing.

We walked out of casino with 30 dollars two hours later!

Lunch at the church was weird as we met Paula... She began her conversation with us about how she'd given up on having friends. "I haven't been quite right since my mother and brother were murdered," she admitted. Then she began talking about her dogs and her life in Seattle, and the cops throwing tear-gas in her bedroom and her canary dying because of it... a very expensive canary. Paula was a little bit wacko and I'd heard enough. "Honey, we're going to be late," I told Wally and we made our exit.

Maybe my patience is gone... I just think that listening to mentally ill people is not in my best interest right now.

Finally the time came to go get my check and get to the bank, as we discussed how soon and where to stop for gas... yes, again... yes, more gas... I tucked away what I needed for the car payment and our new place-to-be... and what was left will just have to get us by. We are not dipping into the bank account. Period.

I also wanted to stop at the local thrift shop. Wally needed a pair of jeans in the worst way. At the stoplight the car began to sputter and then it died! Ohhh NOOoooooooo!!! Out of gas!!!!

Wally got it started again and we made it into a hotels parking lot and there we sat. Well? At least I had money in my pocket... Then I looked over and.. "Hey! There's a gas can!" I told Wally. "Are you kidding me?"

Over in a wooded area under a tree was a red plastic gas can with a shiny silver bow on it, full of gas!

Not really... but...

I got out of the car and went under the tree and yes sir, it was an empty gas can right there! It was turned upside down so no water or dirt had gotten into it. It didn't appear to be split or have any holes. It even had the nozzle and caps. Un-freeking-believable!

I know... too weird to be true... but it's true!

Wally walked down and filled it and came back and we were rolling again, straight to the gas station!

We went on to the thrift shop where we only bought a pair of jeans. From there I thought it would be nice to have a bit of a treat, since it's been a really tough week for both of us. We stopped in at a local eatery, where it happened to be "happy hour" or something and they had discounted appetizers. We ordered a fish and chips appetizer and shared it while watching a hockey game on the big screen TV while music blasted.

It was quite a treat... I think it was the best fish and chips (and tartar sauce) I've ever had. I think it was the clearest picture on a TV I've ever seen. It was the best music I've heard in a long time. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed myself more.. It was like... It was like being a normal person all of the sudden...

The rest of the evening we spent at the coffee shop... dark roast coffees, internet access and the rustic  atmosphere of a small lodge in the Pacific Northwest.

When they closed we headed to the parking lot that Wally feels the most comfortable at. We snuggled up to keep warm together and watched the rain hit the windows as we talked and laughed.

We both thought it was going to be a hard and miserable day.. but look how it turned out! What an odd range of events...

Friday, May 6, 2011


I had two long days at work. I wasn't minding the 12 hour shifts. It was a place to be. I was making money. That's all fine with me.

I don't worry about Wally anymore. I used to be concerned about how he would fare out in the world, all day long, by himself. I would worry endlessly about him, and would rather be with him than to take care of what I needed to. 

That's over.

Now, I feel differently. He is a grown man and he's responsible for his own life... Just as I am responsible for mine. 

My son called and asked me to go out to dinner with him. I had to decline. I had to work. I realized after I hung up that it was his birthday dinner he was inviting me to! Oh crap! How thoughtless of me! With everything going on in my life I completely forgot about his birthday. Oh well... This time he'll just have to turn a year older without me. He is a grown man too. 

My daughter... also grown... seems to having a problem where she's living now. That's life. When the newness wears off the flaws become obvious. I am not getting involved at all. It is absolutely none of my business. 

Through my long days of work, throwing bars and flipping boxes, and palletizing, I have all of this time to think. The machinery roars. Even my earplugs don't block the noise. When we talk to each other we have to yell. 

At last the end of the shift comes and 7 to 7:30 in the evening is our transition time. The night shift crew gradually take over our places and we filter out. 

I've been taking every minute that I can, for the pay and so that I can have the restroom to myself. I get cleaned up a bit and change my clothes. It's helped me feel more comfortable after work. After that all I want is to eat and to sleep... and that's all I need. 

Wally started out complaining. It lasted for a couple of days. I just sat and listened. I have nothing to say really. He was miserable. What am I supposed to say?

You see... something has snapped inside of me... "snap" 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Plastic Donuts

The first day...

Back out in the world...

Wally is most comfortable going to the library, so that is where we went. There is free wi-fi and tons of books of course.

I feel fuzzy... My head is full of static... like a TV that's not set on a station... black and white dots with the buzzing of white noise... not empty, but there's nothing of value there, nothing to make sense of.

While Wally is inside on the computer, I amble out to the car. 

It was gray and raining...raining, raining, raining... everything in the world is wet. 

I sat in the car and drank a miniature bottle of milk and ate the last of my chocolate covered mini cake donuts. I don't know why I like these things exactly. The yellow cake inside isn't really a "cake donut" and the "chocolate coating" tastes more like plastic than anything else... Why do I like these things? 

Perhaps it's because of a childhood memory that's long been lost to me? Then again... maybe not... I don't think donuts I had as a child were this bad. 

I started to think and plan for the future. I'm hopeful. Why am I still so hopeful? How can I be? I have failed... and failed... and failed... Why is it even after that... I still have hope?

I should've waited a bit longer, saved up a bit more before I jumped into getting us into a place. I was just so anxious to get Dani back with us, so anxious for a normal life, for stability. I needed to have a little bit more built up just in case the work situation collapsed, (like it did) so I could get by anyway... Oh, but I didn't do that... 

I started thinking that I have spent enough time making decisions based on those around me. 

Those days are over.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Another Adventure

We packed up and loaded everything in the car this morning. It's alright, we've just been detoured for a little while... it won't be long.

I am just at this very fragile point in my life. If I am out of work for any amount of time I cannot afford rent on a place. I just went through almost two weeks where I had no work. The plant was closed down and the temp agency had no other work to send my way. 

I was back to work last week but of course I'm not seeing the payment for that quite yet. 

This time I'm not afraid. We know how to live in this world. We've learned a lot. Also, I think I've figured out a few ways to make this easier for us. We'll see how it works. 

I know it won't be for long... and when we settle it'll be a more permanent move. We'll set up a "home" this time.

The last place was clearly temporary... We never even went to get any of our stuff out of storage to bring into it. I think that speaks volumes.

I struggled with my own emotions over losing my home... and then letting go of my daughter... and trying to figure out what I want to do next. 

At this point I feel sure that things will come together for me... very soon. 

Now we have the day ahead of us... out in the world...