Plastic Donuts

The first day...


Back out in the world...


Wally is most comfortable going to the library, so that is where we went. There is free wi-fi and tons of books of course.


I feel fuzzy... My head is full of static... like a TV that's not set on a station... black and white dots with the buzzing of white noise... not empty, but there's nothing of value there, nothing to make sense of.


While Wally is inside on the computer, I amble out to the car. 


It was gray and raining...raining, raining, raining... everything in the world is wet. 


I sat in the car and drank a miniature bottle of milk and ate the last of my chocolate covered mini cake donuts. I don't know why I like these things exactly. The yellow cake inside isn't really a "cake donut" and the "chocolate coating" tastes more like plastic than anything else... Why do I like these things? 


Perhaps it's because of a childhood memory that's long been lost to me? Then again... maybe not... I don't think donuts I had as a child were this bad. 


I started to think and plan for the future. I'm hopeful. Why am I still so hopeful? How can I be? I have failed... and failed... and failed... Why is it even after that... I still have hope?


I should've waited a bit longer, saved up a bit more before I jumped into getting us into a place. I was just so anxious to get Dani back with us, so anxious for a normal life, for stability. I needed to have a little bit more built up just in case the work situation collapsed, (like it did) so I could get by anyway... Oh, but I didn't do that... 


I started thinking that I have spent enough time making decisions based on those around me. 


Those days are over.