Thursday, May 5, 2011

Plastic Donuts

The first day...

Back out in the world...

Wally is most comfortable going to the library, so that is where we went. There is free wi-fi and tons of books of course.

I feel fuzzy... My head is full of static... like a TV that's not set on a station... black and white dots with the buzzing of white noise... not empty, but there's nothing of value there, nothing to make sense of.

While Wally is inside on the computer, I amble out to the car. 

It was gray and raining...raining, raining, raining... everything in the world is wet. 

I sat in the car and drank a miniature bottle of milk and ate the last of my chocolate covered mini cake donuts. I don't know why I like these things exactly. The yellow cake inside isn't really a "cake donut" and the "chocolate coating" tastes more like plastic than anything else... Why do I like these things? 

Perhaps it's because of a childhood memory that's long been lost to me? Then again... maybe not... I don't think donuts I had as a child were this bad. 

I started to think and plan for the future. I'm hopeful. Why am I still so hopeful? How can I be? I have failed... and failed... and failed... Why is it even after that... I still have hope?

I should've waited a bit longer, saved up a bit more before I jumped into getting us into a place. I was just so anxious to get Dani back with us, so anxious for a normal life, for stability. I needed to have a little bit more built up just in case the work situation collapsed, (like it did) so I could get by anyway... Oh, but I didn't do that... 

I started thinking that I have spent enough time making decisions based on those around me. 

Those days are over.

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