Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Weirdest Day Ever

I went in to work for my "Friday"... It was only Thursday, but it was my last day of work this week. I asked Wally to hang out in the parking lot for a while because I just had this feeling that they were going to be sending us home.

I went to the building and sure enough there was a buzz going around but it was not yet clear what was going on. We were told to go ahead and get in our gear and head out to "transition", which we all did.

Once there we stood in a circle listening to our lead ramble on about what was coming up next. The night crew was finishing up the last skid of the order and then an allergen clean was scheduled. That's a 12 hour cleaning process and that means only the wrapper operators, batchers and carton operators remain.

That means the rest of us were to be sent home.

It seems to me they could've just said this in the first place...

I was already tired and weary from the past couple of days at work. They were really rough days. We were extremely busy and running very fast... My wrist has been throbbing, and everything else has just been hurting.

I also should say that I'm tired of being a grown up. I'm tired of being responsible with my money and still being poor. I'm tired of working hard and having it not seem to matter. I'm tired of rarely having any fun.

So, I'm out in the parking lot, in the rain at 7:20 in the morning... No car... No Wally... I went back to the building... No key... so I'm pounding on the door for someone to let me back in so I can call Wally. He explained that he'd dozed off and thought he woke up late so he'd started heading toward town...

He'd been itching to get back to town and not happy staying in Bayside. It's too small and it's crawling with border patrol and he's quite paranoid about it. Why? I don't know why. I don't care what the reason is  anymore.. that is his issue, not mine.

I have insisted on staying in Bayside. We just don't have the money or gas to waste traveling back and forth. Period.

On payday we'd go back to town. It was Thursday. Payday... and Wally was busting it to get back to town, even if it meant waiting around for hours before he could pick up my check.

I was a bit annoyed but... (what the heck is wrong with me?... I dunno)... I couldn't stay annoyed.

He came back to get me and then we headed to town together, low on gas and out of money, with no clue what we were going to do with our day.

We were stopped at a rest stop for a bathroom break, when it occurred to me, I can go donate plasma! That'll be 20 bucks. Ha! So we went straight there. I was able to get right in and an hour later I was walking out. I went to buy a candy bar, got cash back and we put some gas in the car. From there we headed up to the reservation to get some cigarettes... haven't had any in a week... probably should not have bothered at this point but... we wanted them...

The place is right beside the casino so Wally suggested we go over there to get some free coffee. I didn't want to go. Then as we started to leave, I thought.. what the heck! Coffee sounded good and we had about two hours to kill before heading to the church for lunch.

We each got a coffee and wandered around in the casino looking at the games.... hmmmm... "Do we have any money at all left baby?" I asked Wally, and he started to laugh telling me that I was reading his mind again.

We had four dollars left, so I took two and Wally took two. We sat down side by side to just play those dollars away... I decided to just play 5 cents at a time. I'd be able to play for a while that way. Wally was soon doing the same thing.

We walked out of casino with 30 dollars two hours later!

Lunch at the church was weird as we met Paula... She began her conversation with us about how she'd given up on having friends. "I haven't been quite right since my mother and brother were murdered," she admitted. Then she began talking about her dogs and her life in Seattle, and the cops throwing tear-gas in her bedroom and her canary dying because of it... a very expensive canary. Paula was a little bit wacko and I'd heard enough. "Honey, we're going to be late," I told Wally and we made our exit.

Maybe my patience is gone... I just think that listening to mentally ill people is not in my best interest right now.

Finally the time came to go get my check and get to the bank, as we discussed how soon and where to stop for gas... yes, again... yes, more gas... I tucked away what I needed for the car payment and our new place-to-be... and what was left will just have to get us by. We are not dipping into the bank account. Period.

I also wanted to stop at the local thrift shop. Wally needed a pair of jeans in the worst way. At the stoplight the car began to sputter and then it died! Ohhh NOOoooooooo!!! Out of gas!!!!

Wally got it started again and we made it into a hotels parking lot and there we sat. Well? At least I had money in my pocket... Then I looked over and.. "Hey! There's a gas can!" I told Wally. "Are you kidding me?"

Over in a wooded area under a tree was a red plastic gas can with a shiny silver bow on it, full of gas!

Not really... but...

I got out of the car and went under the tree and yes sir, it was an empty gas can right there! It was turned upside down so no water or dirt had gotten into it. It didn't appear to be split or have any holes. It even had the nozzle and caps. Un-freeking-believable!

I know... too weird to be true... but it's true!

Wally walked down and filled it and came back and we were rolling again, straight to the gas station!

We went on to the thrift shop where we only bought a pair of jeans. From there I thought it would be nice to have a bit of a treat, since it's been a really tough week for both of us. We stopped in at a local eatery, where it happened to be "happy hour" or something and they had discounted appetizers. We ordered a fish and chips appetizer and shared it while watching a hockey game on the big screen TV while music blasted.

It was quite a treat... I think it was the best fish and chips (and tartar sauce) I've ever had. I think it was the clearest picture on a TV I've ever seen. It was the best music I've heard in a long time. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed myself more.. It was like... It was like being a normal person all of the sudden...

The rest of the evening we spent at the coffee shop... dark roast coffees, internet access and the rustic  atmosphere of a small lodge in the Pacific Northwest.

When they closed we headed to the parking lot that Wally feels the most comfortable at. We snuggled up to keep warm together and watched the rain hit the windows as we talked and laughed.

We both thought it was going to be a hard and miserable day.. but look how it turned out! What an odd range of events...

Friday, May 6, 2011


I had two long days at work. I wasn't minding the 12 hour shifts. It was a place to be. I was making money. That's all fine with me.

I don't worry about Wally anymore. I used to be concerned about how he would fare out in the world, all day long, by himself. I would worry endlessly about him, and would rather be with him than to take care of what I needed to. 

That's over.

Now, I feel differently. He is a grown man and he's responsible for his own life... Just as I am responsible for mine. 

My son called and asked me to go out to dinner with him. I had to decline. I had to work. I realized after I hung up that it was his birthday dinner he was inviting me to! Oh crap! How thoughtless of me! With everything going on in my life I completely forgot about his birthday. Oh well... This time he'll just have to turn a year older without me. He is a grown man too. 

My daughter... also grown... seems to having a problem where she's living now. That's life. When the newness wears off the flaws become obvious. I am not getting involved at all. It is absolutely none of my business. 

Through my long days of work, throwing bars and flipping boxes, and palletizing, I have all of this time to think. The machinery roars. Even my earplugs don't block the noise. When we talk to each other we have to yell. 

At last the end of the shift comes and 7 to 7:30 in the evening is our transition time. The night shift crew gradually take over our places and we filter out. 

I've been taking every minute that I can, for the pay and so that I can have the restroom to myself. I get cleaned up a bit and change my clothes. It's helped me feel more comfortable after work. After that all I want is to eat and to sleep... and that's all I need. 

Wally started out complaining. It lasted for a couple of days. I just sat and listened. I have nothing to say really. He was miserable. What am I supposed to say?

You see... something has snapped inside of me... "snap" 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Plastic Donuts

The first day...

Back out in the world...

Wally is most comfortable going to the library, so that is where we went. There is free wi-fi and tons of books of course.

I feel fuzzy... My head is full of static... like a TV that's not set on a station... black and white dots with the buzzing of white noise... not empty, but there's nothing of value there, nothing to make sense of.

While Wally is inside on the computer, I amble out to the car. 

It was gray and raining...raining, raining, raining... everything in the world is wet. 

I sat in the car and drank a miniature bottle of milk and ate the last of my chocolate covered mini cake donuts. I don't know why I like these things exactly. The yellow cake inside isn't really a "cake donut" and the "chocolate coating" tastes more like plastic than anything else... Why do I like these things? 

Perhaps it's because of a childhood memory that's long been lost to me? Then again... maybe not... I don't think donuts I had as a child were this bad. 

I started to think and plan for the future. I'm hopeful. Why am I still so hopeful? How can I be? I have failed... and failed... and failed... Why is it even after that... I still have hope?

I should've waited a bit longer, saved up a bit more before I jumped into getting us into a place. I was just so anxious to get Dani back with us, so anxious for a normal life, for stability. I needed to have a little bit more built up just in case the work situation collapsed, (like it did) so I could get by anyway... Oh, but I didn't do that... 

I started thinking that I have spent enough time making decisions based on those around me. 

Those days are over.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Another Adventure

We packed up and loaded everything in the car this morning. It's alright, we've just been detoured for a little while... it won't be long.

I am just at this very fragile point in my life. If I am out of work for any amount of time I cannot afford rent on a place. I just went through almost two weeks where I had no work. The plant was closed down and the temp agency had no other work to send my way. 

I was back to work last week but of course I'm not seeing the payment for that quite yet. 

This time I'm not afraid. We know how to live in this world. We've learned a lot. Also, I think I've figured out a few ways to make this easier for us. We'll see how it works. 

I know it won't be for long... and when we settle it'll be a more permanent move. We'll set up a "home" this time.

The last place was clearly temporary... We never even went to get any of our stuff out of storage to bring into it. I think that speaks volumes.

I struggled with my own emotions over losing my home... and then letting go of my daughter... and trying to figure out what I want to do next. 

At this point I feel sure that things will come together for me... very soon. 

Now we have the day ahead of us... out in the world... 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Make- Over

I had been thinking about it for a while... 

Wally and I really went through a tough time in January and personal hygiene is a big problem when you are permanently mobile. It did not take long for us to deteriorate... skin, hair, feet... oh pretty much everything. 

Things started going better and we got a place to hang out hats, but it still seemed as if it took a while for the grubbiness to wash off... 

I needed a make-over...

As I looked over at my man and his fuzzy hair and stringy mustache, I figured he needed one too... 

"I need to color my hair and give it a cut," I told him, "and you need a cut too... and actually...." I was thinking coloring his hair and mustache might be a pick-me-up for him too... 

We headed out to the drugstore where we found haircolor for 2.50 a box and I picked out darker colors, ones that were more suited to Wally. We looked at the Grecian formula for beards and mustaches... 15 bucks? I don't think so... but geez... it sure would be nice...

Now you have to understand that when Wally and I are together we're like a couple of little kids...

We don't really have any clothes we can afford to ruin with hair dye so we opted to do this make-over au natural, which made us giggle to start with! 

So, he did my hair as we laughed the whole time and I did his (with the same bottle of color) as we laughed even more and then he came up with the idea of using an old toothbrush to apply it to his mustache. Ummm... My first thought was that he'd end up poisoned and it probably wouldn't work anyway. Before I knew it he'd already applied it! Okayyyyyyy.... so we wait... 

Getting rinsed was easy here as our sink has a sprayer. Oh yes... two kids can have fun with a sprayer! Ha! 

I was amazed to see that the color actually took on Wally's mustache. It worked! It also tamed his hair so it was much easier to trim. I did my bangs and then we stood back to look at our transformations.....

Yeah... Our two dollar and fifty cent make-over worked out pretty well!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

No Fear

I'm in kind of an odd state of mind I suppose... I think I'm confused...  maybe... or perhaps this is what clarity is like.

I spent last night in a fevered state of pain with my wrist... oh just everything hurting... pain means you're alive... sweating... I had no fear. I knew it would pass. It would end as all things do. I could kind of hear myself moan... then I dozed again... sleep means no more pain... 

The sun came up... but it's cold enough to snow in mid April.... hmmm... 

One thing that's happened to me after going through our mobile life in January is... how can I put it?... Fear has diminished in my life.. diminished?...isn't the right word... it has been extinguished. 

Life has been going on. Wally and I have been happy together. Work has been steady.

Then I found out that the plant is shuttering for a week during Easter and all that hoppy stuff. No work for a week... man I'm gonna be scrambling for eggs... I can't go for a week without work.  

Life's been pretty weird for me to adjust to as my daughter has made her break from me. 

I haven't known what to think... then I heard from her. She sent me a friend request on Facebook and then after a few days I got her email. It wasn't a good one. 

Ruh Roh Elroy... here comes the brutal truth... from a mother that  is now hardened and has no fear. 

*Sigh*  There are some days I wish I'd never even bothered... I wish I'd never bothered to go get her from Florida and put myself through the panic of leaving Tony here on his own and put Wally through the trip there with me and then back here to make sure Tony was okay... not to mention I made sure I put her father through absolute hell through the whole thing. I wish I'd never bothered to work two and three jobs to pay for sports physicals, uniforms and violin rentals that were not  appreciated then and not remembered today.  Yeah I guess I can just wish in one hand and P**P in the other, I know which one will fill up first.

In the end it all means nothing to her and nothing to me.... anymore... time for me to forget it.   

Well, it's all just too bad as she's placed several conditions on us having a relationship. I must stop drinking. (will my drug test results from work do? I am tested quite frequently) She could ask Tony. Heck I work 12 hour shifts... (Why does she think I'm just like Kay? I am NOTHING like Kay.) Yeah, okay. She wants me to go to AA with her and Kay. And Kay must be a part of my life. "It just has to be a three way communication"... she says. 

Uh huh... Well? You know what? 

There are no conditions placed upon love. None... well except when it comes to me being loved.. obviously. This is nothing new for me really, I'm thinking of Jake... I'd love you if... you did this... you did that.... oh... if you were someone else.... haha!!! 

I'm fine with going to AA with Dani. But not WITH Kay. I don't ever want to see Kay again. I'm also really NOT FINE with Dani insisting that Kay and I communicate as a condition of us continuing a relationship. 

I tried before. Kay treated me like I'm a doormat. I'm done. 

I don't want anything to do with Kay.

I'm not happy with my daughter thinking that it's okay to place restrictions upon my access of her attention. 

I'm just sayin'....  I won't play this game.

At this point I clearly know how important I am to my daughter. She has made that quite clear. 

I don't do drama.

My tears don't fall fast. 

It's all okay. She wants to see me for her birthday? Pluuuuuullleeeeeeeze....Wtf! She sure as heck didn't want to see me before! Why Now?  She's suddenly decided that she loves me and misses me? I don't buy that.  Uncle already. Enough.
This is crap.

I'm taking another path.  

I believe in love and I have NO fear.... 

Friday, April 8, 2011

Facing Reality

Letting go of my daughter has been a process.... It's been miserable as I've had to face the truth... Truth that others see but I just have not been able to get a glimmer of as I'm blinded by love.

I actually opened up and spoke with a young woman at work about what's going on.

This woman is like half my age, married but has no kids. She's very unusual and I like her a lot... maybe that's why I just started blabbering about Dani. I told her that my youngest and last child had moved out and that I was very upset about it.

"Are you kidding me? You should be rejoicing!" she told me.

A blank stare came from me. I didn't get it.

"Yeah, I guess," I said, "But she's only 17, she's not ready yet!" (I explained that she's 16 and she'll be 17 in 2 weeks so, crap, she's going to be 17)

She looked at me like my head just fell off. "Kim, she's 17. She's grown... really...where were you when you were 17?" she asked.

When I was 17?  I had graduated high school and had made arrangements for some college. I moved out... from Lakeland Florida to Houston Texas, I got a job. I returned to Florida for school, but as I was going to school and working there I found that couldn't swing my tuition to continue so I returned to Texas where I could easily work for good wages again and that's when I began being a baker and a cake decorator.

The days are much different now... for me and my daughter.

I watched when everything went down with Jake. I honestly felt bad for the man at times. If he sent her a note  she'd cry. If he called, she'd cry. If he sent a card and didn't enclose a note she'd cry. If he did enclose a note she'd cry. I did not matter. The man could do nothing right. She asked me to ask him to stop contacting her, and I did...

Now I am speared on the end of that stick.

I must expect the same for me... but I'm going to refuse to play this game.

Right as my life was falling apart and I lost my home I found myself being attacked concerning medical care of my daughter. Now that I'm calm I see how ridiculous it was. She had physicals to participate in sports, she had vaccines, she had to in order to attend school. She's had eyeglasses and contact lens.

Still, the accusations made me freak out.

I've been down a long hard road with Dani and quite frankly at this point I'm ready to take another path.

She's been very good at getting what she wants and I'm sure she'll be fine...

As she thinks I have failed her and put her through a year of hell... Well, she doesn't want to know how I see it. For me it wasn't just a year or two.

I asked very little of her compared to most kids... very, very little compared to what was expected of me when I was her age.

She failed me too.

I went through many years of hell with her, while she flat out lied to my face. She started stealing years ago, starting with a scooter, then a bike, and I ate up her excuses and got her out of trouble. The stealing did not stop... and I turned a blind eye because she was my baby girl and I was busy pretending that I had this great life that I didn't really have... It was all okay. She couldn't really be stealing. Not MY kid. I didn't raise her that way.

I don't know where this came from. I thought I taught my kids that it's wrong to take anything that does not belong to you. But Dani just never seemed to understand. She doesn't seem to feel bad for taking things... but she does feel bad for getting caught. I'm really not so sure that her arrest for shoplifting will stop her from stealing again in the future.

I have spent most of my life making excuses and sugar-coating everything.  As that was my habit for many years, it has also taken many years to tear those fake defenses apart and be real.

I went through a lot to go get her from Florida and bring her back here to live with us. I had to deal with doctors and lawyers and everyone involved had to make a sacrifice for her. Don't get me wrong here, I was glad to have her. It was what I wanted. But I went through hell and so did everyone else involved... and it wasn't so peachy keen after that with her. She scared us a lot, with "cutting" and with an imaginary boyfriend online, and never enjoying anything with us.

We did trips to Seattle and she wouldn't go with us. We had birthday plans for her and she didn't show up. We had holiday dinners and she didn't come home.

So here we go... then I can't find work, have no money, cannot do a damn holiday and I'M a butthead.

It has been a one way street with my daughter and I. As I have wanted nothing more than her being with me, she has rejected me consistently. I was so glad that Wally could be an in-between for us. What she had to say to me she could relay through Wally.

Well, isn't that just all warm and fuzzy?

Her arrest in the park? Doing the wild thing in public, completely disgusted me. The thing that bothered me the most was that it was so casual. She will argue with me... oh he was a former boyfriend... uh huh... she had no serious feelings for that boy.... that was cold....  and it makes me feel sick.

I just don't understand it.

I'm not perfect by any means. I've been a Mom for 20 years with kids in my home and that has been my life. I've supported them, I've taught them, I've laughed with them and I've cried with them.Thick and thin, we went through it.. Feast and famine, we went through that too.

Wally opened the curtains this morning... There's just a beautiful view of the water. The gulls are calling and out fishing for clams. It's cold outside but I have to smile anyway.