Sunday, February 27, 2011

Trying To Make It Right

It was a long day at work doing assembly line work and I had a lot of time to think. I've had time to calm down.

I have wanted more than anything to put my little family back together, bring Dani back with us. I want my life back. We had a pretty nice little life at one time. 

She doesn't want that and I cannot blame her. The past year has been bad.

I told her everything would be okay... and it didn't turn out that way.

I've made a lot of mistakes while I've been so upset. I haven't been able to understand why nobody in my family seems to believe in me. I have lost everyone's trust.... Why?

What I have forgotten is what other people remember...

What I've forgotten is that it does not matter what you did that was good in the past. No, it does matter... it is just that good things aren't recalled as quickly as bad things. 

What matters is what you've done bad in the past. The bad stuff IS remembered first.

What matters MOST is what you're doing right now.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Going On

Anything I say can and will be held against me.

Oh well, so be it and amen... That's the way life is.

I'm going to write anyway. 

I suppose I'm about over the shock of everything and ready to move on. By move on I mean just keep going. 

I've had to cut myself off completely from one of the people that I love the most in the world. I had to because every little thing I say is taken and stretched out of context. My privacy of conversation was compromised and infested. It doesn't matter that I'm being extremely careful what I say. I am not willing to share it with a third party. It just doesn't matter... 

It think Kay might be looking for things to hang me with. Sorry, that's just what I think. She's trying to make things up... Medical neglect... please! She has provoked me, she wants me to email her. I'm not going to. 

Being silent will probably bite me in the ass too.  

Hell, I don't know what to do!!!

I'm feeling grief. I've made mistakes. I had to talk to my ex, which ended up being a screaming match that I lost this time... my mistake...

I was going to spend my time off apartment hunting... 

With such a world changing thing going on (in my world, my little world), it's hard to think about that. 

I had a meltdown. The sun never came up. I had another meltdown... 

Today has been better. I still don't know what to do. I am not really strong enough to deal with this right now. I am gaining, but I am not there yet. 

January was really a hard month. Wally and I never expected to really be in the position that we were. 

Right now I'm just recovering and licking my wounds. 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Well, here's a good dose of Fukitol... 

I keep thinking of things in bits and pieces....

My Goal #2 isn't going to happen. Dani doesn't want to come home. In fact she doesn't want any contact with me at all... right now... NO CONTACT.

I'm shaking my head... what the heck?... 

My daughter is a great kid really. I love her. I've gone through a lot with her. She's made a lot of mistakes as all kids do. She has paid for them, and I have too, as all parents do.

I got a call from Jake, (my ex, my kids father) demanding to know why I wasn't there when she was taken to the hospital. 

( I knew that would happen.)

I was not called. I didn't know she was there!!!! Dammit!!!!

We just got our mail today. The state has been notified that my daughter no longer lives with me. I need to provide proof of residence and people in my home or else I lose my food benefits completely. 

It's okay. I don't want to have to depend on that anyway. I was raised with ambition and I've worked all of my life and most of my life I've made enough money to not need benefits. I'll just do that again. I'll make more money. 

I have a headache already.

I wanted to apartment hunt today, but snow... oh snow, the first snowflake shuts down the town. 

More mail... I can no longer sue Jake (Jacob, for those that know him best legally) for child support because Dani is not living in my home. 

I called Dani to tell her what's going on. I was just in shock. Poor kid just had a root canal. Kay was supposed to have her temporarily. I was ready to take Dani back two weeks ago. But she's refusing to come with me and now my plans are on hold.... actually now my plans are cancelled completely and totally.

My daughter will not be coming home. She does not want to have any contact with me at all.

Jake called me to encourage me to sign the 3rd custody papers for Danielle. I told him that I wouldn't sign anything. He said he was going to. ( we have joint custody, by law he has more authority than I do because Dani was suppose to have been living with him.... however she ended up living with me because he could not care for her by himself)  I wanted her with me. 

I went to Florida and freeking rescued her. I guess that does not matter.

I enjoyed the time that I had.

He is going to sign her away. 

"Get ready to get sued for child support by Kay," I told him.

"I'd rather pay it to her than to YOU," he said. Then he hung up on me.

This was my former husband from 17 years.



I have no control over these things and the last thing my daughter wants is for me to fight for her, so I'm not going to. She does not want to hear from me, so I will not contact her. 

I'm thinking.... 

When Jake and I were divorcing he'd call here and she would cry. I asked him to stop calling her. I think this is the same. I'm being told that she cries after I call or visit. It is awful for her and I should stop. 

It isn't really the adults being assholes that brings the tears... It's the kids feeling grief... 

It doesn't matter what you say, they are just feeling the loss of you not sitting in the same room saying it. 

Now it's been insisted that I not make any contact with Danielle, so I'm not going to. She can contact me at any time. I will be there. 

Oh my gosh this will kill me, but it is what she wants. 

She said this wouldn't change anything, that I'd still be a part of her life... now I've had several people tell me that she no longer wishes to hear from me at all. 

I sent her an email on Facebook and got a reply back from Kay... wtf?

That's it... I cry UNCLE.... my am has been twisted. I can't fight this. Oh I could, but I am not going to this time. 

She wants me to let her go... and I know what that feels like.

I wanted Jake to let me go. He didn't want to. 

She can go. 

I've lost my daughter. 

Buuubbb Byeee


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Bitter Cold

We went down to the ocean today. For the first time in months, it seems, we've had a couple of days where the sun came out. 

I had the sun shining on my face, my hair blowing in the wind and my lover beside me. 

The wind was frigid. The ocean in Northwest Washington is not like any other ocean I have ever seen. The water was flat, the beach is covered with rocks and driftwood in between dark tree stumps that are obviously from trees that were felled long ago. The beauty of the day could not reach me. I had a deep sadness inside of me. 

My daughter is first on my mind right now. 

She has been very sick.  On Monday, she woke up around 2am to vomit and then her throat closed up and she was having trouble breathing. They took her to the ER and she was kept in the hospital until 5pm.

I knew nothing about this. I was never called. I'll have to tell you that I was absolutely irate that I was not contacted. THEY HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER. 

I saw something about the hospital on her Facebook that evening after I got in from work, but I didn't think much of it because I knew she had an appointment to see about having her tonsils out. I called to see how that went and found out about the rest. She assured me that she was fine, so I was calmer.  

I went to see her on my first day off, Wednesday. I'd been up late writing, so I woke up late. I threw on my clothes and called her real quick because I was running LATE, late, late... 

I took her out for coffee. We talked. She has been very sick. Kay has been taking her to numerous doctor's appointments. Her dentist has been changed and she's having a root canal done instead of having this one tooth pulled. The choice about the dentist is fine with me.

What I am not okay with, is seeing these numerous doctor's appointments and what seems to me to be a lot of meds... antibiotics and anti-nausea, and steroid based anti-inflammatory drugs.

Dani isn't used to taking prescription drugs. She's had antibiotics at times, but that was it. I have a very strong view about over-medicating. She was hardly ever sick anyway. She's always been very healthy. Why is she so very very sick now? 

I didn't say much of anything to Dani or Kay about any of this. I feel like I'm kind of on a leash here.

Dani says that the third-party custody would be the best thing for her. It's just like joint custody. It's not like I'll never be a part of her life she says. 

I'm sitting there hearing Kay's words come out of Dani's mouth and I am not believing it.

It is not that cut and dry. It is not that easy. 

First of all, it's not true. It is not just like joint custody, I do not think it's the best thing for her. I want Dani with me because I love her more than anything. I want Dani with me, even though she's almost 17. I really only have one more year before I'm sure she will go off on her own. I want that year anyway.

If Kay wants to say there is neglect on my part I have a lot to say about that and I have hard proof. 

I am not a bad mother. I have always taken care of and protected my children. I have always worked. This last year was rough because I just couldn't find enough work and I worked for an independent bakery that did not pay me. 

I'm not dumb, but I made a mistake.

I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving Dani in a safe home, but I have made a huge mistake leaving my daughter in Kay's care.

I'm not sure how this will turn out, of course. I've looked it up and I've sought advice. If I agree to a third-party joint custody, I can be sued for child support. ( I can count on being sued for child support. ) 

Great. Isn't it? 

I am just on my feet again. I've caught up on the storage unit payment, made the car payment, I have a steady income coming in for the first time in a year and I'm able to catch up. We've been staying here in this cheap hotel. The "rent" here is less than the rent at our old apartment. We've been paying weekly because I want to move. I want a home. 

I've been very careful. I can get into another place. I just have to find it.

I want my daughter back with me. She belongs with me. 

I realize this may not happen. Dani is older now. I did raise her to be independent. So it just may not happen. I'm hoping love will matter but it probably won't. She will look out for her best interests, something that I insisted that she do. 

I've always wanted to be that way, but I'm not. 

I'm glad that she is that way, but... did it have to come back to bite me? 

I look out for other peoples interests. I ignore my own, and it manages to get me nothing. I'm starting to think its some kind of a cruel joke. 

I was relieved to find out that I am not having to miss this week's work after all. It was good news. 

So, off I go... Three days of 12 hour shifts... 


Thursday, February 17, 2011

What I Don't Want To Say

I wasn't going to talk about this...

My moment of optimism and inspiration very quickly flew out the window, the next day in fact. What is it anyway? I mean... my life always seems like a roller coaster ride. Is it like this for everyone? Or is it just me?

I get so excited about about things, so happy on that uphill climb... the momentum builds, I hold my breath. Then I reach the top, but there is no reward. There is just a speeding sudden decline that makes my stomach swish up to my throat. Then the fear hits me. The bottom isn't as bad as I imagined it to be. It is bad, but somehow I forget it quickly, as then there is a short ride of just my hair blowing behind me in the wind and a minute to breath easy... then something awful happens again.... 

Yeah... maybe it's just me. 

I'm still writing in my head. I guess that's a good sign. Ah ,but when I sit down to talk to you everything just shuts off, my mind goes blank, and I can't remember what I wanted to say... and I don't want to say what I remember.

So here's what I don't want to say.

I went to "visit" my daughter. I hate this. Hate is a very strong word and yes, I hate this. 

I want my daughter with me.

I wanted her to stay with Kay so that she would be safe.

For the first time in my life I was worried about her being safe with me, because I wasn't sure that I would be safe myself without having a home to go to. 

I haven't gone to see her too often. I haven't gone for many reasons. I've been working 12 hour shifts, so there isn't time on those days. There were days I've not been able to get a proper shower or bath or get my clothes washed.... I don't want her to see me (or smell me) being filthy. I want her to see me as "okay"... you know? I don't want her to worry about me... and... I have not wanted to face her... ending up being homeless is a very humbling experience... and yes, I want to be able to tell her everything is okay, everything is going to be good. I want to tell her something solid, something real. I haven't been able to do that. 

Wally and I went to see Danielle last week.

We were asked to sit down by Kay and Danielle. We need to talk. 

Danielle wants me to grant custody of her to Kay.

I tried to discuss it for a short while and keep my composure. I was pissed off. I was hurt. I wanted to cry. I didn't want to cry in front of them. (There were other people there.. a lady roommate and Kay's three small children) 

I came in tell Danielle good news. My income tax return came. We'll get a place. I have work until October. 
We'll move the first of March. I'll be on my feet again... She tells me that the bottom line is that I need to "prove" myself to her that I can support all of us.

Um..... WHAT??? ( I supported her rather well for the first fourteen years of her life... she had everything she wanted and then some... oh, except for the pony she wanted for Christmas when she was seven... sorry, no pony... yeah... the last 2 years have been the pits.. I haven't been able to afford anything. Doesn't she know by now that if I would give it to her I could?) 

I wanted to leave. I was asked not to leave, not to run away like I always do. 

Run away like I aways do. 


I've never run away from anything in my life. I always seem to get hit in the face with a shovel before I can even turn to start to run. I have always HAD to face everything head on. What the heck IS this?

I'm told that I've been inconsistent. I'm told that I have not been supportive to Danielle in her aspirations. She'a had too many responsibilities put upon her at too young of an age.  

I felt like I was being kicked while I was down. My heart shattered. Tears started. My voiced raised at times. I was too weak to defend myself. The kids scattered. The roommate left. Tears were flowing now.

I guess this is what they wanted. 

They wanted me to show that I care by behaving like I'm some kind of a boob. 

A weak sniveling, teary wreck.

The worst part is that I couldn't even think straight enough to defend myself with things like this.... 

Inconsistent? I don't think so. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. Yes, in my former life in Florida my ex and I had problems with being consistent. Jake would often have unrealistic expectations of the kids and completely ridiculous punishments that I would have to alter... it was all wrong, wrong, wrong... but it was what it was... 

I have always encouraged Danielle with her interests, her sports, her music, her art, her writing... I've read her writings, I rented her a violin, I went to her games, I spent hours searching up wheels and gear for her inline skates for speed skating trying to order just the right thing. 

Responsibilities? I really do not think that I've asked anything too hard from her. Her main responsibility has been to go to school and do well. I have not asked for anything else. I've told her that her school is her "work" and that is what she has to concentrate on now. 

I've always felt that I would've done better, been able to continue my education if I hadn't been so hindered by helping my mother with her drapery business. At the same time, I do not regret it. My mother taught me how to work hard. I just wasn't able to continue with college after my scholarships ran out because I couldn't swing a loan. My parents hadn't recovered from divorcing yet and neither had enough credit to help me.

I have this guilt thing going on about wrecking Dani's life because I divorced Jake and ruined everything for her... so my own little mind says I should give her a break. 

I have not asked her to do hardly any household chores since the divorce. (she was 11 then, she is 16 now)  No laundry, vacuuming, dusting, picking up, no washing dishes... We asked that she rinse her own dishes and put them in the dishwasher and to take out the trash and recycling. 

The thing is.. I want her to have it easier and better than I had it... and she has... I have made sure of it. I'm just not done yet. 

As the conversation with Dani went on I realized that she really didn't want to hurt me. She just wants...

She wants to feel safe...

I know how that feels. 

I want to feel safe too, if she can just believe me. I have never lied to her.  we will be safe again.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Goal #2

Wally and I completely enjoyed ourselves at the motel where we spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.

It was a complete and total escape.

Myself? I walked into the room Friday night. I walked out of the room Monday morning. I did not leave that room until I had to.

Wally went down and got us their continental breakfast every morning, coffee and muffins.

Privacy... That is what it was all about... not just privacy for us as a couple... privacy from other people, privacy from the world.

I did not want to leave...

We started to discuss what to do with our day as we left the motels parking lot. The library? Should we visit Dani?

I wanted to visit Danielle but I didn't want to. I want to see her when I have something solid to tell her, a promise that I can keep. I don't want to talk to her about "maybes" and "what ifs" and "soon"...

It turned out that my income tax return came in. It came back a lot faster than I expected. It put me into a spin.

Don't get me wrong here... That is a good thing... It's a chunk of money, a small chunk of money that I'll have to be very careful with. My refunds have been disappointing the past couple of years. I have one less child to claim and getting married hurt too. It means I'm getting back a third of what I did three years ago. I think if I play it right though I can get us into a place for about three months. Then I'll just have to take it from there. I have a dependable income for the moment.

I've had to take a pause because it would be so easy to just mess everything up now. I'm at a crossroad.

After being deprived it is so tempting to splurge.

I just bit my lip.

We put 20 bucks of gas in the car and headed up north near where I work. We found a motel there that has really cheap weekly rates and got a room for one week. How cheap? It's 15 dollars more here for a week than it was at the other place in town for 3 nights.

The room is fantastic! Okay... well... keep in mind we've been sleeping in a car for a solid month except for just a couple of days...  so... a closet would be a step up.

It's large. There are two king sized beds, a small table with comfy chairs, a dresser with a TV on it, a kitchen area with a funky sink, a cabinet, mini fridge and a microwave... and the bathroom... This will sound odd, but the bathroom has inspired me.

The bathroom brings back memories for me of other times and different places I've been in my life. I have all of that swirling around in my head. I haven't written it down yet but I am going to. It is something worth saying.

Most people would probably say that this place is a dump, but it's clean and it's comfortable for us. The TV seems to be possessed though. It turns itself on.

We went to bed, turned the TV off, and a few minutes later it popped on. Wally turned it off. We dozed. The TV came on again and woke us up. This continued to happen. We were in fits of giggles in between trying to figure out how to prevent the stupid TV from having a mind of it's own. We were tired and getting silly. I had to work the next morning. Our solution ended up being sleeping with the TV left on.

The next night we unplugged the TV.... DUH!... Why didn't we think about that before?

I did my three days worth of 12 hours shifts coming "home" to this room, getting a shower, eating a hot meal, sleeping in my lovers arms, knowing that this is for this week, but what about later?

The income tax money sits in my savings account. My goal is to get us into a home and get my daughter back with us. I want more time with my daughter.

Work has been... work. It's industrial. It's food production. It's assembly line mind numbing body exhausting work. It does give me a lot of time to think though.

Being inspired by the bathroom here my mind has been clicking. One thing leads to another you know. One thought leads to another. I'm writing in my head again. It's been a long time since that has happened. The creative juices are flowing.

I've been threatening to write a book for several years now. I did start on it and got 9 chapters into it but I wasn't happy with the way I started it out. What I have is hundreds of puzzle pieces that I put together in the wrong way. You cannot see the picture. Today at work I was thinking about it and I believe I've figured out how to put this puzzle together.. how to put his book together...

I honestly believe in Fate. I've aspired towards this for a very long time. It just wans't going to happen. I needed to be here in this space and time to have the idea that came to me. It could not have occured to me before going through what I have been through... timing is everything.

I'm just thinking out loud now. The book will come eventually.

My next goal is a home and welcoming my daughter back into it.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Going Crazy?

I have to say that I am dreadfully tired of this whole "homeless" thing.

I want  place to hang my hat.

I was just starting to feel like a regular person again, (after 3 showers) free of grime and stench, and... back to normal.

Wally and I met up with Tony for coffee and a good long talk. He is doing just fine. He got called back for the job in Alaska and plans to go. He got the prep cook position he was wanting and this time he'll be gone for six months. He's really excited about going and I am excited for him.

We also went and visited Danielle for a while. She has started this semester going to school online. I think she'll do much better at it than Tony did. (Heck, she is the most self-motivated person I have ever seen in my life.) She seems to be doing very well and there was no mention of her guardianship... She did briefly mention that she thought it would be best for her to live with her own "parents"... which put a little spark in my eye and a bounce back in my step.

Then... Wally and I were back out into the world with no where to really go. There is no place to be.

We went to the library and stayed until it closed. Then we headed north. We'd taken to parking in a rest stop that is up towards where I work. I thought it was best to move around a bit, not be in the same place night after night. It turned out to be a mistake to stay at the rest stop two nights in a row. We were woken up and asked to leave.

I worked my three days. All of them were twelve hour shifts. All of them were tough this week. I left every night with no place to go to clean up much. The only place to lay is in the backseat of the car which I share with Wally. It's been wet and cold but at least it hasn't snowed. The only thing I've done is work, eat and sleep. That's it.

I was feeling more miserable than usual when I left work... tired, sore, and dirty.

I have the next three days off. I have my paycheck in my pocket plus some leftover cash from our friends surprise delivery... so I started thinking...

I don't think I can take another night in the car... not tonight anyway... I know I should save the money... but... I'm going a little bit crazy... I don't know what to do... I can't decide what would be best...

I decided to get a room... not just for the night... for a few nights... I need a good dose of the basics of life, showers, clean clothes, a handy restroom, and a warm dry place to sleep. I need rest. I need to sit still and think for a while, or maybe NOT to think for a while... maybe a few days to not think about anything... to leave my worries at the door.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


It was a really rough week... a lot of junk happened. There were a lot of ups and downs. 

We pretty much ran out of money again, just to be surprised by a very kind friend. 

Work has been going great and then I found out that my job will not be lasting. I don't know why I was so shocked. Why did I expect anything more this time? Why did I think I was special by being chosen out of so many for this "scheduled temp" position?

I'm starting to think I am "special" in a mentally retarded sort of way...

It has been proven to me over and over again since I got out here that there is no such thing as stable, long term employment here... not for me anyway... not with independent companies, not with nationwide companies, not with small companies... not in the grocery industry, restaurant industry, or industrial work. 

I will be out of work the last week of February while they are closed for inventory. (At least they gave us notice.) Then I will be out of work for good in October when the entire barline goes to automation. My job will no longer exist. 

October... right as winter hits... *sigh*... I don't think I can take another winter out here... Another winter struggling to find work... no, I don't want to do another one... I've had enough.

I finished out my workweek with my head spinning. It was another three days of being miserable, of being wet, cold and dirty as we slept in the car. 

The highlight of those days was the evening that we picked up a hot pizza and we ate the whole thing! 

I've also been very worried about my kids. I've had no idea what's going on in Tony's life. Not knowing tends to make your imagination go wild. For Danielle, I've just been giving it space and time... My feelings were hurt and I'll admit I've been a bit angry over it. I've had to back off from it so I can go back into it free of bitterness. I don't want to punish Dani for being honest with me. 

My paycheck came in, (the one with the extra days) and I was not disappointed with this one... We got a hotel room for two nights... part of me kicks myself... wasting  money... the expense... the other part of me says... forget about it... you need this... you need this to be able to go on... 

It has been wonderful.

I've taken three showers, slathered myself with lotion, the flaky skin is gone, the grime of the week is gone, my hair is clean. I've sprawled out all over the king sized beds soft sheets and fluffy pillows. I took a nap! I changed into clean clothes and I've been able to use the restroom whenever I need to. 

Today we go back to our mobile life... back to meals at the soup kitchens, public restrooms, wifi at the library, and sleeping in the car. We head back north tonight as I return to work tomorrow morning.

Yes, I think all of this is giving me a different outlook on life.