Monday, March 28, 2011

Just What I Needed

I wanted to see my son today. I almost didn't go because I just woke up feeling so crappy about everything and I wanted to get going early, but I know that Tony doesn't get up early. When he's working he does night shifts and I totally understand that. He still stays on the same sleep schedule when he is not working. Yes, I totally understand that. 

When I saw him on Facebook at 10 this morning I knew he was up early and so I left him a message and then headed that way. Wally didn't go with me today which is unusual. He's always with me. Today? I don't know. He just kind of made it clear that he wasn't going with me, for my sake, I think.

I was excited as I rolled on down the highway toward town with the radio blasting rock and roll. I suddenly felt good. I felt like myself. I was enjoying driving for the first time in a very long time. 

Once I got into town I got some gas. It's much cheaper there. Where I am now is much closer to the border and  the gas prices are sky high to take advantage of the Canadian tourists. 

I was pulling in front of Tony's apartment when my phone rang. Tony was wondering if we were in town yet. I told him that I was standing at his door. 

It was sooooo good to hug him, kiss him, and see his smile. He towers over me. He's growing a full beard now and surprisingly it doesn't look half bad. I only say that because of his heredity. His Dad could never grow a full beard. 

Tony is too thin.

I drove right by our favorite coffee shop and I think he was starting to wonder where we going. "I feel like I need some eggs," I told him and we pulled into THE best diner in town. Not only do we both love this place but it holds some great memories for us. 

"I can't remember the last time I came here," he said. "I think it was when you treated Wally and I to breakfast," I replied. I know it was. It was a few years back when he'd first started working. I remember because I was so pleased with him and so proud. (Plus I will never forget the look on his face when he got the bill. I know it was more than he ever imagined it would be but he sucked it right up and was gracious.) 

We sat and talked like we used to and I was happy to see him order a big meal and enjoy it. I finally got my eggs that I've been craving.

It seems like he's just sitting on pins and needles waiting to leave for his job in Alaska. He went last season so he sort of knows what to expect, but this time he has a different job position. PM prep cook. It will be a challenge. This time he will be there for the entire season. Last year he only hooked the job halfway through the season. 

For right now he is struggling as much I was three months ago. He's trying not to say much about it, the same as I was... but I see it. I know. 

We discussed Dani briefly. She changed her phone number. That means she never got my text message the day of her surgery. That will just have to be the way it is.

I started thinking about it then... when I was having troubles with Tony, Dani was fine. When I was having troubles with Dani all was cool with Tony. We could never all be on the same page at the same time. 

I knew Tony needed some warm clothes. He had bought himself a lot of new clothes when he was working but he lost them all in a fire. (long story) 

I wanted to replace at least some of it.  I took him up to our local Value Village. 

I know it was weird for him. I tried to make it less weird. How do you make it less weird? He is a grown man. I just babbled non-stop... and for some reason I was drawn to some of the weirdest colored clothes. I made some good picks too... He didn't want to get in there and look... like I said... it was all weird.

I picked out what I liked and hung them up frontways on the rack. "What do you think of that?" I asked. I think as we went he got a little more comfortable... maybe. Although I hate shopping, and I know he didn't know what to think... I hope he enjoyed it and I had a really great time in the end. 

I think we did really well, getting two really nice zippered hoodies, both were just like brand new and nice and soft. Also a few shirts, as we laughed at my choice of colors. I guess I went color blind today! 

One thing that is nice about this town is that there's some rich people,that give their excess away. The Value Village, GoodWill and Salvation Army stores can be amazing. You can find brand new, name brand items for next to nothing.  

I want to do some things for Dani too, but I suppose we will see.

I know it's strange for Tony to accept, but to me? Well, I haven't been able to get him anything in a while. I feel bad about that. I just haven't had it to give. 

I feel great now that I could help him out a bit. That's what family is all about. 

Basically, I just feel wonderful tonight. 

My soul has been healed a little bit. 

I'm ready to start my week tomorrow. It's going to be a busy week... I'll be doing 4 days of 12 hour shifts, have 2 days off, then 3 more 12 hour shifts. Yeah... ( it's another good story about how that happened... but yeah... I'll have to tell you that one later..)

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Let me be

"What's wrong? Why are you doing this?" Wally asked me... 

It was last week and at a moment when I suddenly just kind of woke up, a little bit... I've been working, but that's about it... I've been thinking until I'm driving myself crazy and drinking until I am in a stupor and cannot think anymore. When I'm not working, I'm sitting still and killing the pain. 

I've been set on self-destruct. That's what's wrong with me.

I'm grieving. That's why I'm doing this. 

Now leave me be.

I have no contact at all with my daughter, Danielle, and that is the last thing in the world that I wanted to happen.

By trying to hold on so tight I've driven her completely away. I can't take back what I've said and done. It doesn't matter that I said it and did it when I was in such a vulnerable position and not able to react in the right way. It just doesn't matter. It's over and done.

The horrible terrible things I did? I called her and begged her not to do this. I want her to be with me! I took her out of my Facebook completely after I realized that Kay was in her account, and after Kay started emailing me through her account. I am sorry but I FREAKED. 

Those were both bad decisions.  

Here I sit. 

I haven't gone to see her. I haven't written. I haven't emailed. I haven't called. I was asked not to. I said I wouldn't... but it's eating me alive.

Dani had her tonsils out on Thursday. She's got to hear from me while she's going through that right? 

Well, I never said I wouldn't text message.

Now, it's like this... I don't really know how to text... I'm not really hellbent on learning how to either. I think email works just fine and phones are for calling and actually talking to people. 

Yeah, I know....

Now I'm thinking of the past and Dani smiling sideways as she shook her head at Wally and me while saying, "Old people and technology...."

 So, I text messaged her... I don't know if she got it, or even if I did it right... but I did something... 

I've had no reply. I guess she really just seriously does not want to hear from me anymore. Doesn't she need me? 

I guess not.

I'm just.... I'm just beside myself! 

Now as I've been sitting still for a while... thinking... drinking... grieving... torturing myself... being heartsick and full of regrets... 

I have had some revelations.

It's a tough time in life when your daughter is still your little girl but really growing up into a woman, and you are a woman that is growing old. 

My hopes of my relationship with my daughter has dropped to nothing. It does not exist anymore, if it ever existed at all. 

I did a lot of things wrong. I can't take it back and I can't fix it. I'm angry at myself, so leave me be. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

It Blows

I got some advice from a friend... blow it off...

Pheeewwwwwwwwwwww.... there it blows...

The answer my friend is blowing in the wind... that means there isn't any answer... you will never find it... and sometimes that has to be okay. It blows. But it's just got to be okay.

All of this has been a process for me... A process of letting go... when I have been clinging on with bare white knuckles at this point to hang onto my daughter... no wonder my hand is killing me... 

Forgive me if I'm being obtuse or speaking in a metaphoric way. If you know me, you know I get this way at times... 

I'm creative... and I seriously need to draw or paint something... then... I might be able to think clearly and talk to you and say something that makes sense. 

I've prevented Kay from contacting me through email... I will probably change my phone next... I won't lose contact with Tony so I figure if Dani wants to reach me she can do it through Tony. It's not like I am disappearing.

I want nothing more to do with Kay. 

I'm thinking now that I need to seriously get busy thinking about our future... It's wide open now really. We could do anything...I no longer have kids to consider and sway my decisions about staying in a place that is economically a nightmare for me. 

There is no work here for my field. I have found work anyway... other work... but I seriously would like to return to cake decorating and pastry work. It's what I know best and I do best. I miss it.

I've been paying my bills, and working. Wally went and got a real tire put on our car. Slowly but surely things are getting done. I have a lot of catching up to do.

We're content where we are but this is only temporary. We'd like a full kitchen where we can start to cook again. We've agreed that right now that is what we miss the most. 

It's a nice little place here though... It has a beautiful view of the Pacific ocean. One definite perk is the bathroom. The baseboard heater in there heats the towels! You get out of the shower and have a hot towel waiting for you! It's like a fancy spa or something... I will miss that. 

The TV and lights seem to be haunted... The TV comes on by itself. The lights go off by themselves. We just laugh about it... The only way we can make sure the TV stays off is to unplug it... Now... if it still came on while it was unplugged THEN I would freak out! 

For right now, it's nice... I am looking forward to more though. My feet are getting itchy and I'm looking for a change. 

Standing in the rain with the wind whipping my hair into my face... I'm reaching into the the wind... I'm trying to grasp something... Something that isn't full of lies... Something fresh.... Something clean... Something familiar...

The wind is leaving my hand empty as it blows through my fingers. 

Monday, March 14, 2011

I Hate E-Mail

I don't even want to check the damn thing anymore.

E-Mail is how I get updates on my daughter.

I'm so fuckin mad... oh I can't tell you...

The "medical updates" aren't just that... they are chocked full of insinuations of neglect.

The newest scoop of poop is about how according to Dani's immunization records she hasn't had any shots since 1999 when she was five. I got the usual chastising that I have come to expect from Kay.

My chin hit the floor.... WTF!!!!????

My stupid brains started churning... shit... I know she's had all of her immunizations. I remember getting notes from the schools as to what she was due for... There was one when she was 12.. I think and another when she was 14.... fuck me... where are the damned receipts???...( in our storage shed perhaps?... arghhh)

Most of kids immunizations are given before they are five. There's only a few boosters after that. I think.... I don't know, my mind is spinning... am I wrong?

I've been losing my mind...

This is NOT helping.

This woman is weird about medication, weird to me, she LOVES it... Oh she's insisted that Dani get the HPV shots too (Is that part of the shots that I have supposedly missed?)... I just don't know. I don't know.

I am not happy about the HPV shots because it's just too new, and I don't see it as being necessary.

How many things like this come out and then after a decade or so they find that it's detrimental to your health? Personally, I just do not have any faith at all in the FDA of the United States.

At this point all I know is that I'm fit to be tied.

I don't want to hear from this woman anymore.

I've made a decision.

I'm not getting any information from Kay about my daughter here.... I'm getting bashed over the head on pretty regular basis at this point.

I'm getting all this crap about how I could've gotten her insurance through the state.. like she did for her kids...well.. no I couldn't... you know why? Because I have been WORKING and she is not employed. I was EARNING too much money to get help. She lives off of the state... When you look at the big picture? Well, MY TAXES have been paying her way.

I am done with it.

This means really losing all contact with my daughter.

But you know what?.... I already have,  so I am not giving up anything... I've already lost my daughter.

I do not want to hear from this woman again... and I do not have to.

That is one thing that I can fix.... very easily.  

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Helping Yourself

I've just been sitting still.

A lot of things are going through my mind. 

I'm letting things be with my kids for right now and being quiet. Tony and Dani are very close. I've been asked not to communicate with Danielle at all, as per her wishes... I'm thinking it won't be good if I try to see Tony right now either... So I'm waiting. 

I feel a bit lost not having kids to consider at this point... 

If Danielle is not going to come home... I see no reason to make a home for us. 

The bottom line is that I just do not want to settle here, in this place... I would've left sooner but the kids liked here... They had friends and school and ties... and I have had... dwindling work options. 

I have lost everything.... not just money, and stuff, and belongings (although I've lost that too) but I have lost everything else kids, my pride, my spirit, my soul, my ambition, and my hope. 

And no... I do no not want to live here anymore. I am quite done. 

I have steady work until October and I'm taking all of that, but I do not want to spend another winter here. 

I will not spend another effing winter here... you got it? 

We're in a hotel room close to the border where I work. Monthly it's less than where I was renting. Plus there's no utility charges, we don't have to wash sheets or towels, or buy after dinner rolls (toilet paper)  or buy cleaning supplies, or pay for gas ( which is now well over 4 dollars a gallon here) for the commute... so it's cheap. 

We're able to live within my means...

Wally's passport has now expired. 

This causes complications we really do not need. I have the money to renew it. But there are problems... and problems... and problems... and I'm tiring of problems. 

We cannot get him "here" and get him a Social Security Card, and get him working... without his passport being valid... a valid birth certificate would be nice too, which it seems cannot be gotten. He was born in Portugal and records were kept like shit... they weren't kept.

In May it will have been 3 years since Wally has worked... 

There have been many times that I've said that I cannot do this any longer... many, many times... I have meant it every time... but here I sit...

Three years is a good chunk of time...time enough to help yourself... if you are ever going to...

I see no reason to make a home again... what the hell for? 

I don't need it. 

My kids are gone and my husband won't help himself get on his own feet... and I can no longer help anyone. Besides, how do you help someone that will not help themselves? 

I am just now getting back on my feet again.... this time... it's just for myself.... for nobody else but me. 

Maybe I'll feel more optimistic tomorrow but... I doubt it.