I got some advice from a friend... blow it off...
Pheeewwwwwwwwwwww.... there it blows...
The answer my friend is blowing in the wind... that means there isn't any answer... you will never find it... and sometimes that has to be okay. It blows. But it's just got to be okay.
All of this has been a process for me... A process of letting go... when I have been clinging on with bare white knuckles at this point to hang onto my daughter... no wonder my hand is killing me...
Forgive me if I'm being obtuse or speaking in a metaphoric way. If you know me, you know I get this way at times...
I'm creative... and I seriously need to draw or paint something... then... I might be able to think clearly and talk to you and say something that makes sense.
I've prevented Kay from contacting me through email... I will probably change my phone next... I won't lose contact with Tony so I figure if Dani wants to reach me she can do it through Tony. It's not like I am disappearing.
I want nothing more to do with Kay.
I'm thinking now that I need to seriously get busy thinking about our future... It's wide open now really. We could do anything...I no longer have kids to consider and sway my decisions about staying in a place that is economically a nightmare for me.
There is no work here for my field. I have found work anyway... other work... but I seriously would like to return to cake decorating and pastry work. It's what I know best and I do best. I miss it.
I've been paying my bills, and working. Wally went and got a real tire put on our car. Slowly but surely things are getting done. I have a lot of catching up to do.
We're content where we are but this is only temporary. We'd like a full kitchen where we can start to cook again. We've agreed that right now that is what we miss the most.
It's a nice little place here though... It has a beautiful view of the Pacific ocean. One definite perk is the bathroom. The baseboard heater in there heats the towels! You get out of the shower and have a hot towel waiting for you! It's like a fancy spa or something... I will miss that.
The TV and lights seem to be haunted... The TV comes on by itself. The lights go off by themselves. We just laugh about it... The only way we can make sure the TV stays off is to unplug it... Now... if it still came on while it was unplugged THEN I would freak out!
For right now, it's nice... I am looking forward to more though. My feet are getting itchy and I'm looking for a change.
Standing in the rain with the wind whipping my hair into my face... I'm reaching into the the wind... I'm trying to grasp something... Something that isn't full of lies... Something fresh.... Something clean... Something familiar...
The wind is leaving my hand empty as it blows through my fingers.