Saturday, March 26, 2011

Let me be

"What's wrong? Why are you doing this?" Wally asked me... 

It was last week and at a moment when I suddenly just kind of woke up, a little bit... I've been working, but that's about it... I've been thinking until I'm driving myself crazy and drinking until I am in a stupor and cannot think anymore. When I'm not working, I'm sitting still and killing the pain. 

I've been set on self-destruct. That's what's wrong with me.

I'm grieving. That's why I'm doing this. 

Now leave me be.

I have no contact at all with my daughter, Danielle, and that is the last thing in the world that I wanted to happen.

By trying to hold on so tight I've driven her completely away. I can't take back what I've said and done. It doesn't matter that I said it and did it when I was in such a vulnerable position and not able to react in the right way. It just doesn't matter. It's over and done.

The horrible terrible things I did? I called her and begged her not to do this. I want her to be with me! I took her out of my Facebook completely after I realized that Kay was in her account, and after Kay started emailing me through her account. I am sorry but I FREAKED. 

Those were both bad decisions.  

Here I sit. 

I haven't gone to see her. I haven't written. I haven't emailed. I haven't called. I was asked not to. I said I wouldn't... but it's eating me alive.

Dani had her tonsils out on Thursday. She's got to hear from me while she's going through that right? 

Well, I never said I wouldn't text message.

Now, it's like this... I don't really know how to text... I'm not really hellbent on learning how to either. I think email works just fine and phones are for calling and actually talking to people. 

Yeah, I know....

Now I'm thinking of the past and Dani smiling sideways as she shook her head at Wally and me while saying, "Old people and technology...."

 So, I text messaged her... I don't know if she got it, or even if I did it right... but I did something... 

I've had no reply. I guess she really just seriously does not want to hear from me anymore. Doesn't she need me? 

I guess not.

I'm just.... I'm just beside myself! 

Now as I've been sitting still for a while... thinking... drinking... grieving... torturing myself... being heartsick and full of regrets... 

I have had some revelations.

It's a tough time in life when your daughter is still your little girl but really growing up into a woman, and you are a woman that is growing old. 

My hopes of my relationship with my daughter has dropped to nothing. It does not exist anymore, if it ever existed at all. 

I did a lot of things wrong. I can't take it back and I can't fix it. I'm angry at myself, so leave me be. 

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