Saturday, May 7, 2011

The Weirdest Day Ever

I went in to work for my "Friday"... It was only Thursday, but it was my last day of work this week. I asked Wally to hang out in the parking lot for a while because I just had this feeling that they were going to be sending us home.

I went to the building and sure enough there was a buzz going around but it was not yet clear what was going on. We were told to go ahead and get in our gear and head out to "transition", which we all did.

Once there we stood in a circle listening to our lead ramble on about what was coming up next. The night crew was finishing up the last skid of the order and then an allergen clean was scheduled. That's a 12 hour cleaning process and that means only the wrapper operators, batchers and carton operators remain.

That means the rest of us were to be sent home.

It seems to me they could've just said this in the first place...

I was already tired and weary from the past couple of days at work. They were really rough days. We were extremely busy and running very fast... My wrist has been throbbing, and everything else has just been hurting.

I also should say that I'm tired of being a grown up. I'm tired of being responsible with my money and still being poor. I'm tired of working hard and having it not seem to matter. I'm tired of rarely having any fun.

So, I'm out in the parking lot, in the rain at 7:20 in the morning... No car... No Wally... I went back to the building... No key... so I'm pounding on the door for someone to let me back in so I can call Wally. He explained that he'd dozed off and thought he woke up late so he'd started heading toward town...

He'd been itching to get back to town and not happy staying in Bayside. It's too small and it's crawling with border patrol and he's quite paranoid about it. Why? I don't know why. I don't care what the reason is  anymore.. that is his issue, not mine.

I have insisted on staying in Bayside. We just don't have the money or gas to waste traveling back and forth. Period.

On payday we'd go back to town. It was Thursday. Payday... and Wally was busting it to get back to town, even if it meant waiting around for hours before he could pick up my check.

I was a bit annoyed but... (what the heck is wrong with me?... I dunno)... I couldn't stay annoyed.

He came back to get me and then we headed to town together, low on gas and out of money, with no clue what we were going to do with our day.

We were stopped at a rest stop for a bathroom break, when it occurred to me, I can go donate plasma! That'll be 20 bucks. Ha! So we went straight there. I was able to get right in and an hour later I was walking out. I went to buy a candy bar, got cash back and we put some gas in the car. From there we headed up to the reservation to get some cigarettes... haven't had any in a week... probably should not have bothered at this point but... we wanted them...

The place is right beside the casino so Wally suggested we go over there to get some free coffee. I didn't want to go. Then as we started to leave, I thought.. what the heck! Coffee sounded good and we had about two hours to kill before heading to the church for lunch.

We each got a coffee and wandered around in the casino looking at the games.... hmmmm... "Do we have any money at all left baby?" I asked Wally, and he started to laugh telling me that I was reading his mind again.

We had four dollars left, so I took two and Wally took two. We sat down side by side to just play those dollars away... I decided to just play 5 cents at a time. I'd be able to play for a while that way. Wally was soon doing the same thing.

We walked out of casino with 30 dollars two hours later!

Lunch at the church was weird as we met Paula... She began her conversation with us about how she'd given up on having friends. "I haven't been quite right since my mother and brother were murdered," she admitted. Then she began talking about her dogs and her life in Seattle, and the cops throwing tear-gas in her bedroom and her canary dying because of it... a very expensive canary. Paula was a little bit wacko and I'd heard enough. "Honey, we're going to be late," I told Wally and we made our exit.

Maybe my patience is gone... I just think that listening to mentally ill people is not in my best interest right now.

Finally the time came to go get my check and get to the bank, as we discussed how soon and where to stop for gas... yes, again... yes, more gas... I tucked away what I needed for the car payment and our new place-to-be... and what was left will just have to get us by. We are not dipping into the bank account. Period.

I also wanted to stop at the local thrift shop. Wally needed a pair of jeans in the worst way. At the stoplight the car began to sputter and then it died! Ohhh NOOoooooooo!!! Out of gas!!!!

Wally got it started again and we made it into a hotels parking lot and there we sat. Well? At least I had money in my pocket... Then I looked over and.. "Hey! There's a gas can!" I told Wally. "Are you kidding me?"

Over in a wooded area under a tree was a red plastic gas can with a shiny silver bow on it, full of gas!

Not really... but...

I got out of the car and went under the tree and yes sir, it was an empty gas can right there! It was turned upside down so no water or dirt had gotten into it. It didn't appear to be split or have any holes. It even had the nozzle and caps. Un-freeking-believable!

I know... too weird to be true... but it's true!

Wally walked down and filled it and came back and we were rolling again, straight to the gas station!

We went on to the thrift shop where we only bought a pair of jeans. From there I thought it would be nice to have a bit of a treat, since it's been a really tough week for both of us. We stopped in at a local eatery, where it happened to be "happy hour" or something and they had discounted appetizers. We ordered a fish and chips appetizer and shared it while watching a hockey game on the big screen TV while music blasted.

It was quite a treat... I think it was the best fish and chips (and tartar sauce) I've ever had. I think it was the clearest picture on a TV I've ever seen. It was the best music I've heard in a long time. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed myself more.. It was like... It was like being a normal person all of the sudden...

The rest of the evening we spent at the coffee shop... dark roast coffees, internet access and the rustic  atmosphere of a small lodge in the Pacific Northwest.

When they closed we headed to the parking lot that Wally feels the most comfortable at. We snuggled up to keep warm together and watched the rain hit the windows as we talked and laughed.

We both thought it was going to be a hard and miserable day.. but look how it turned out! What an odd range of events...

Friday, May 6, 2011


I had two long days at work. I wasn't minding the 12 hour shifts. It was a place to be. I was making money. That's all fine with me.

I don't worry about Wally anymore. I used to be concerned about how he would fare out in the world, all day long, by himself. I would worry endlessly about him, and would rather be with him than to take care of what I needed to. 

That's over.

Now, I feel differently. He is a grown man and he's responsible for his own life... Just as I am responsible for mine. 

My son called and asked me to go out to dinner with him. I had to decline. I had to work. I realized after I hung up that it was his birthday dinner he was inviting me to! Oh crap! How thoughtless of me! With everything going on in my life I completely forgot about his birthday. Oh well... This time he'll just have to turn a year older without me. He is a grown man too. 

My daughter... also grown... seems to having a problem where she's living now. That's life. When the newness wears off the flaws become obvious. I am not getting involved at all. It is absolutely none of my business. 

Through my long days of work, throwing bars and flipping boxes, and palletizing, I have all of this time to think. The machinery roars. Even my earplugs don't block the noise. When we talk to each other we have to yell. 

At last the end of the shift comes and 7 to 7:30 in the evening is our transition time. The night shift crew gradually take over our places and we filter out. 

I've been taking every minute that I can, for the pay and so that I can have the restroom to myself. I get cleaned up a bit and change my clothes. It's helped me feel more comfortable after work. After that all I want is to eat and to sleep... and that's all I need. 

Wally started out complaining. It lasted for a couple of days. I just sat and listened. I have nothing to say really. He was miserable. What am I supposed to say?

You see... something has snapped inside of me... "snap" 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Plastic Donuts

The first day...

Back out in the world...

Wally is most comfortable going to the library, so that is where we went. There is free wi-fi and tons of books of course.

I feel fuzzy... My head is full of static... like a TV that's not set on a station... black and white dots with the buzzing of white noise... not empty, but there's nothing of value there, nothing to make sense of.

While Wally is inside on the computer, I amble out to the car. 

It was gray and raining...raining, raining, raining... everything in the world is wet. 

I sat in the car and drank a miniature bottle of milk and ate the last of my chocolate covered mini cake donuts. I don't know why I like these things exactly. The yellow cake inside isn't really a "cake donut" and the "chocolate coating" tastes more like plastic than anything else... Why do I like these things? 

Perhaps it's because of a childhood memory that's long been lost to me? Then again... maybe not... I don't think donuts I had as a child were this bad. 

I started to think and plan for the future. I'm hopeful. Why am I still so hopeful? How can I be? I have failed... and failed... and failed... Why is it even after that... I still have hope?

I should've waited a bit longer, saved up a bit more before I jumped into getting us into a place. I was just so anxious to get Dani back with us, so anxious for a normal life, for stability. I needed to have a little bit more built up just in case the work situation collapsed, (like it did) so I could get by anyway... Oh, but I didn't do that... 

I started thinking that I have spent enough time making decisions based on those around me. 

Those days are over.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Another Adventure

We packed up and loaded everything in the car this morning. It's alright, we've just been detoured for a little while... it won't be long.

I am just at this very fragile point in my life. If I am out of work for any amount of time I cannot afford rent on a place. I just went through almost two weeks where I had no work. The plant was closed down and the temp agency had no other work to send my way. 

I was back to work last week but of course I'm not seeing the payment for that quite yet. 

This time I'm not afraid. We know how to live in this world. We've learned a lot. Also, I think I've figured out a few ways to make this easier for us. We'll see how it works. 

I know it won't be for long... and when we settle it'll be a more permanent move. We'll set up a "home" this time.

The last place was clearly temporary... We never even went to get any of our stuff out of storage to bring into it. I think that speaks volumes.

I struggled with my own emotions over losing my home... and then letting go of my daughter... and trying to figure out what I want to do next. 

At this point I feel sure that things will come together for me... very soon. 

Now we have the day ahead of us... out in the world... 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Make- Over

I had been thinking about it for a while... 

Wally and I really went through a tough time in January and personal hygiene is a big problem when you are permanently mobile. It did not take long for us to deteriorate... skin, hair, feet... oh pretty much everything. 

Things started going better and we got a place to hang out hats, but it still seemed as if it took a while for the grubbiness to wash off... 

I needed a make-over...

As I looked over at my man and his fuzzy hair and stringy mustache, I figured he needed one too... 

"I need to color my hair and give it a cut," I told him, "and you need a cut too... and actually...." I was thinking coloring his hair and mustache might be a pick-me-up for him too... 

We headed out to the drugstore where we found haircolor for 2.50 a box and I picked out darker colors, ones that were more suited to Wally. We looked at the Grecian formula for beards and mustaches... 15 bucks? I don't think so... but geez... it sure would be nice...

Now you have to understand that when Wally and I are together we're like a couple of little kids...

We don't really have any clothes we can afford to ruin with hair dye so we opted to do this make-over au natural, which made us giggle to start with! 

So, he did my hair as we laughed the whole time and I did his (with the same bottle of color) as we laughed even more and then he came up with the idea of using an old toothbrush to apply it to his mustache. Ummm... My first thought was that he'd end up poisoned and it probably wouldn't work anyway. Before I knew it he'd already applied it! Okayyyyyyy.... so we wait... 

Getting rinsed was easy here as our sink has a sprayer. Oh yes... two kids can have fun with a sprayer! Ha! 

I was amazed to see that the color actually took on Wally's mustache. It worked! It also tamed his hair so it was much easier to trim. I did my bangs and then we stood back to look at our transformations.....

Yeah... Our two dollar and fifty cent make-over worked out pretty well!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

No Fear

I'm in kind of an odd state of mind I suppose... I think I'm confused...  maybe... or perhaps this is what clarity is like.

I spent last night in a fevered state of pain with my wrist... oh just everything hurting... pain means you're alive... sweating... I had no fear. I knew it would pass. It would end as all things do. I could kind of hear myself moan... then I dozed again... sleep means no more pain... 

The sun came up... but it's cold enough to snow in mid April.... hmmm... 

One thing that's happened to me after going through our mobile life in January is... how can I put it?... Fear has diminished in my life.. diminished?...isn't the right word... it has been extinguished. 

Life has been going on. Wally and I have been happy together. Work has been steady.

Then I found out that the plant is shuttering for a week during Easter and all that hoppy stuff. No work for a week... man I'm gonna be scrambling for eggs... I can't go for a week without work.  

Life's been pretty weird for me to adjust to as my daughter has made her break from me. 

I haven't known what to think... then I heard from her. She sent me a friend request on Facebook and then after a few days I got her email. It wasn't a good one. 

Ruh Roh Elroy... here comes the brutal truth... from a mother that  is now hardened and has no fear. 

*Sigh*  There are some days I wish I'd never even bothered... I wish I'd never bothered to go get her from Florida and put myself through the panic of leaving Tony here on his own and put Wally through the trip there with me and then back here to make sure Tony was okay... not to mention I made sure I put her father through absolute hell through the whole thing. I wish I'd never bothered to work two and three jobs to pay for sports physicals, uniforms and violin rentals that were not  appreciated then and not remembered today.  Yeah I guess I can just wish in one hand and P**P in the other, I know which one will fill up first.

In the end it all means nothing to her and nothing to me.... anymore... time for me to forget it.   

Well, it's all just too bad as she's placed several conditions on us having a relationship. I must stop drinking. (will my drug test results from work do? I am tested quite frequently) She could ask Tony. Heck I work 12 hour shifts... (Why does she think I'm just like Kay? I am NOTHING like Kay.) Yeah, okay. She wants me to go to AA with her and Kay. And Kay must be a part of my life. "It just has to be a three way communication"... she says. 

Uh huh... Well? You know what? 

There are no conditions placed upon love. None... well except when it comes to me being loved.. obviously. This is nothing new for me really, I'm thinking of Jake... I'd love you if... you did this... you did that.... oh... if you were someone else.... haha!!! 

I'm fine with going to AA with Dani. But not WITH Kay. I don't ever want to see Kay again. I'm also really NOT FINE with Dani insisting that Kay and I communicate as a condition of us continuing a relationship. 

I tried before. Kay treated me like I'm a doormat. I'm done. 

I don't want anything to do with Kay.

I'm not happy with my daughter thinking that it's okay to place restrictions upon my access of her attention. 

I'm just sayin'....  I won't play this game.

At this point I clearly know how important I am to my daughter. She has made that quite clear. 

I don't do drama.

My tears don't fall fast. 

It's all okay. She wants to see me for her birthday? Pluuuuuullleeeeeeeze....Wtf! She sure as heck didn't want to see me before! Why Now?  She's suddenly decided that she loves me and misses me? I don't buy that.  Uncle already. Enough.
This is crap.

I'm taking another path.  

I believe in love and I have NO fear.... 

Friday, April 8, 2011

Facing Reality

Letting go of my daughter has been a process.... It's been miserable as I've had to face the truth... Truth that others see but I just have not been able to get a glimmer of as I'm blinded by love.

I actually opened up and spoke with a young woman at work about what's going on.

This woman is like half my age, married but has no kids. She's very unusual and I like her a lot... maybe that's why I just started blabbering about Dani. I told her that my youngest and last child had moved out and that I was very upset about it.

"Are you kidding me? You should be rejoicing!" she told me.

A blank stare came from me. I didn't get it.

"Yeah, I guess," I said, "But she's only 17, she's not ready yet!" (I explained that she's 16 and she'll be 17 in 2 weeks so, crap, she's going to be 17)

She looked at me like my head just fell off. "Kim, she's 17. She's grown... really...where were you when you were 17?" she asked.

When I was 17?  I had graduated high school and had made arrangements for some college. I moved out... from Lakeland Florida to Houston Texas, I got a job. I returned to Florida for school, but as I was going to school and working there I found that couldn't swing my tuition to continue so I returned to Texas where I could easily work for good wages again and that's when I began being a baker and a cake decorator.

The days are much different now... for me and my daughter.

I watched when everything went down with Jake. I honestly felt bad for the man at times. If he sent her a note  she'd cry. If he called, she'd cry. If he sent a card and didn't enclose a note she'd cry. If he did enclose a note she'd cry. I did not matter. The man could do nothing right. She asked me to ask him to stop contacting her, and I did...

Now I am speared on the end of that stick.

I must expect the same for me... but I'm going to refuse to play this game.

Right as my life was falling apart and I lost my home I found myself being attacked concerning medical care of my daughter. Now that I'm calm I see how ridiculous it was. She had physicals to participate in sports, she had vaccines, she had to in order to attend school. She's had eyeglasses and contact lens.

Still, the accusations made me freak out.

I've been down a long hard road with Dani and quite frankly at this point I'm ready to take another path.

She's been very good at getting what she wants and I'm sure she'll be fine...

As she thinks I have failed her and put her through a year of hell... Well, she doesn't want to know how I see it. For me it wasn't just a year or two.

I asked very little of her compared to most kids... very, very little compared to what was expected of me when I was her age.

She failed me too.

I went through many years of hell with her, while she flat out lied to my face. She started stealing years ago, starting with a scooter, then a bike, and I ate up her excuses and got her out of trouble. The stealing did not stop... and I turned a blind eye because she was my baby girl and I was busy pretending that I had this great life that I didn't really have... It was all okay. She couldn't really be stealing. Not MY kid. I didn't raise her that way.

I don't know where this came from. I thought I taught my kids that it's wrong to take anything that does not belong to you. But Dani just never seemed to understand. She doesn't seem to feel bad for taking things... but she does feel bad for getting caught. I'm really not so sure that her arrest for shoplifting will stop her from stealing again in the future.

I have spent most of my life making excuses and sugar-coating everything.  As that was my habit for many years, it has also taken many years to tear those fake defenses apart and be real.

I went through a lot to go get her from Florida and bring her back here to live with us. I had to deal with doctors and lawyers and everyone involved had to make a sacrifice for her. Don't get me wrong here, I was glad to have her. It was what I wanted. But I went through hell and so did everyone else involved... and it wasn't so peachy keen after that with her. She scared us a lot, with "cutting" and with an imaginary boyfriend online, and never enjoying anything with us.

We did trips to Seattle and she wouldn't go with us. We had birthday plans for her and she didn't show up. We had holiday dinners and she didn't come home.

So here we go... then I can't find work, have no money, cannot do a damn holiday and I'M a butthead.

It has been a one way street with my daughter and I. As I have wanted nothing more than her being with me, she has rejected me consistently. I was so glad that Wally could be an in-between for us. What she had to say to me she could relay through Wally.

Well, isn't that just all warm and fuzzy?

Her arrest in the park? Doing the wild thing in public, completely disgusted me. The thing that bothered me the most was that it was so casual. She will argue with me... oh he was a former boyfriend... uh huh... she had no serious feelings for that boy.... that was cold....  and it makes me feel sick.

I just don't understand it.

I'm not perfect by any means. I've been a Mom for 20 years with kids in my home and that has been my life. I've supported them, I've taught them, I've laughed with them and I've cried with them.Thick and thin, we went through it.. Feast and famine, we went through that too.

Wally opened the curtains this morning... There's just a beautiful view of the water. The gulls are calling and out fishing for clams. It's cold outside but I have to smile anyway.

Friday, April 1, 2011

All About Granola Bars

I miss my daughter. I love her. I wonder if I will ever see her smile again... I mean while she is looking at me. For now I have no contact. I know she is in pain, from her tonsils. I want to be there for her. I guess she does not want me there.

I had a long week of work. The 12 hour shifts can be killer. I fit in here I think. These are all hard working people like me. It is quite a mix of people.

I have actually worked out there off and on for about 3 years now but as a temp.

When I got the "scheduled temp" position it kind of changed my world there. Suddenly the faces that I knew well and had worked with over the years saw me too. Instead of walking through the hallway with everyone ignoring me, now they smile, wave, kid with me, and call me by name.

I am still... just ...a... temp.... but it is different now.

The company has hit a slump right now. They say it happens every year. Production pretty much stopped except for on the barline where I am. We make granola and rice bars.

They cancelled any other temps coming in and were just offering the hours to company workers and the scheduled temps. I was offered an extra day so I took it. I put my hand up first. I want to work. They gave it to me.

So I have worked... I had 12 hour shifts Monday thru Thursday. Wednesday I did come home for 5 hours because we were down... then I went back to complete the shift. Once we got up and running... we were running... and running hard.

I've gotten rather good at "throwing bars" .... there are two moving conveyor belts in front of you. The one closest to you has bars on it. (packaged granola or rice bars) The one furthest from you has boxed off areas that the bars are to go into. The bars must be standing on edge sideways to fit into the boxes correctly.

Your job batman, is to grab up 6 bars off of the conveyor and slap them on edge into the other conveyors slots correctly.

In the beginning it was really hard to do. The bars are coming at you 300 per minute, there are bars everywhere. It seems like so many and it runs super fast, so it can make you freak out. Sometimes they are really close together and hard to pick up. Sometimes they are oily from vegetable oil.

You know if you are in the front position you must pick up most of the bars. You must be accurate too, the bars must go on their edge, otherwise the carton machine will jam. If you aren't accurate you may as well not bother.

The person behind you picks up what you've missed and works in WIP (work-in-progress, it's just bars that have fallen off the belt at the end because they were not picked up or because a machine down the line was not working earlier so it's just bars that were run off the line and boxed... we work them back in)

So you must be fast and accurate... Did I say that before? It is stressed. I just dug in and said to myself, I can do this. I've always been good with my hands, I'm fast, I can do this. 

It is a matter of muscle memory for the most part. You do literally "throw" the bars. You pick up three in each hand, slap them together and "throw" them into the slot. That is the fastest way. I've found that using my thumbs helps them to remain straight.

Now I can pick up and throw 6 bars per second. (Yeah buddy that's fast) I just can't do it on a regular pace yet. After about two or three hours I get tired. I start to miss. Bars fly out or go in a crumpled mess.

Some of these other gals are much faster than I am. They have been doing it for years. But I was still rather put out when I took the second position, and this gal in the first position picked up and threw every single bar coming down the line. Wtf!

I had no WIP to work in and she was leaving  me no bars to pick up... A lot of her bars didn't go in right so I fixed them as they went by... Then I filled the boxes for the carton machine a couple of times and basically stood there being pissed off for a while.

There was absolutely no reason for her to go 120 thousand mile per hour when she had a second down there to pick up what she missed (me) .... but no... she picked up and threw every... single.. bar. Even though a lot of the throws were bad.

I guess she was trying to teach me something... Oh and I learned....

She did that for about a half hour and then walked off with no warning leaving the entire line to me, by myself, while I was on the end and needed to be at the front at that point...


It turned out okay because today I worked on her shift and got a chance to show her what I can do. She was working as an operator. I started throwing bars as fast as I could.... best I can do right now is pick up damn near everything, I miss some, one, three or six bars per throw,  but hardly any of my throws need to be fixed.

The carton operator also recognized me from working with me before and commented, "Wow! You're fast!'"

It made me feel a bit better. People must think well of you for you to stay here...

Monday, March 28, 2011

Just What I Needed

I wanted to see my son today. I almost didn't go because I just woke up feeling so crappy about everything and I wanted to get going early, but I know that Tony doesn't get up early. When he's working he does night shifts and I totally understand that. He still stays on the same sleep schedule when he is not working. Yes, I totally understand that. 

When I saw him on Facebook at 10 this morning I knew he was up early and so I left him a message and then headed that way. Wally didn't go with me today which is unusual. He's always with me. Today? I don't know. He just kind of made it clear that he wasn't going with me, for my sake, I think.

I was excited as I rolled on down the highway toward town with the radio blasting rock and roll. I suddenly felt good. I felt like myself. I was enjoying driving for the first time in a very long time. 

Once I got into town I got some gas. It's much cheaper there. Where I am now is much closer to the border and  the gas prices are sky high to take advantage of the Canadian tourists. 

I was pulling in front of Tony's apartment when my phone rang. Tony was wondering if we were in town yet. I told him that I was standing at his door. 

It was sooooo good to hug him, kiss him, and see his smile. He towers over me. He's growing a full beard now and surprisingly it doesn't look half bad. I only say that because of his heredity. His Dad could never grow a full beard. 

Tony is too thin.

I drove right by our favorite coffee shop and I think he was starting to wonder where we going. "I feel like I need some eggs," I told him and we pulled into THE best diner in town. Not only do we both love this place but it holds some great memories for us. 

"I can't remember the last time I came here," he said. "I think it was when you treated Wally and I to breakfast," I replied. I know it was. It was a few years back when he'd first started working. I remember because I was so pleased with him and so proud. (Plus I will never forget the look on his face when he got the bill. I know it was more than he ever imagined it would be but he sucked it right up and was gracious.) 

We sat and talked like we used to and I was happy to see him order a big meal and enjoy it. I finally got my eggs that I've been craving.

It seems like he's just sitting on pins and needles waiting to leave for his job in Alaska. He went last season so he sort of knows what to expect, but this time he has a different job position. PM prep cook. It will be a challenge. This time he will be there for the entire season. Last year he only hooked the job halfway through the season. 

For right now he is struggling as much I was three months ago. He's trying not to say much about it, the same as I was... but I see it. I know. 

We discussed Dani briefly. She changed her phone number. That means she never got my text message the day of her surgery. That will just have to be the way it is.

I started thinking about it then... when I was having troubles with Tony, Dani was fine. When I was having troubles with Dani all was cool with Tony. We could never all be on the same page at the same time. 

I knew Tony needed some warm clothes. He had bought himself a lot of new clothes when he was working but he lost them all in a fire. (long story) 

I wanted to replace at least some of it.  I took him up to our local Value Village. 

I know it was weird for him. I tried to make it less weird. How do you make it less weird? He is a grown man. I just babbled non-stop... and for some reason I was drawn to some of the weirdest colored clothes. I made some good picks too... He didn't want to get in there and look... like I said... it was all weird.

I picked out what I liked and hung them up frontways on the rack. "What do you think of that?" I asked. I think as we went he got a little more comfortable... maybe. Although I hate shopping, and I know he didn't know what to think... I hope he enjoyed it and I had a really great time in the end. 

I think we did really well, getting two really nice zippered hoodies, both were just like brand new and nice and soft. Also a few shirts, as we laughed at my choice of colors. I guess I went color blind today! 

One thing that is nice about this town is that there's some rich people,that give their excess away. The Value Village, GoodWill and Salvation Army stores can be amazing. You can find brand new, name brand items for next to nothing.  

I want to do some things for Dani too, but I suppose we will see.

I know it's strange for Tony to accept, but to me? Well, I haven't been able to get him anything in a while. I feel bad about that. I just haven't had it to give. 

I feel great now that I could help him out a bit. That's what family is all about. 

Basically, I just feel wonderful tonight. 

My soul has been healed a little bit. 

I'm ready to start my week tomorrow. It's going to be a busy week... I'll be doing 4 days of 12 hour shifts, have 2 days off, then 3 more 12 hour shifts. Yeah... ( it's another good story about how that happened... but yeah... I'll have to tell you that one later..)

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Let me be

"What's wrong? Why are you doing this?" Wally asked me... 

It was last week and at a moment when I suddenly just kind of woke up, a little bit... I've been working, but that's about it... I've been thinking until I'm driving myself crazy and drinking until I am in a stupor and cannot think anymore. When I'm not working, I'm sitting still and killing the pain. 

I've been set on self-destruct. That's what's wrong with me.

I'm grieving. That's why I'm doing this. 

Now leave me be.

I have no contact at all with my daughter, Danielle, and that is the last thing in the world that I wanted to happen.

By trying to hold on so tight I've driven her completely away. I can't take back what I've said and done. It doesn't matter that I said it and did it when I was in such a vulnerable position and not able to react in the right way. It just doesn't matter. It's over and done.

The horrible terrible things I did? I called her and begged her not to do this. I want her to be with me! I took her out of my Facebook completely after I realized that Kay was in her account, and after Kay started emailing me through her account. I am sorry but I FREAKED. 

Those were both bad decisions.  

Here I sit. 

I haven't gone to see her. I haven't written. I haven't emailed. I haven't called. I was asked not to. I said I wouldn't... but it's eating me alive.

Dani had her tonsils out on Thursday. She's got to hear from me while she's going through that right? 

Well, I never said I wouldn't text message.

Now, it's like this... I don't really know how to text... I'm not really hellbent on learning how to either. I think email works just fine and phones are for calling and actually talking to people. 

Yeah, I know....

Now I'm thinking of the past and Dani smiling sideways as she shook her head at Wally and me while saying, "Old people and technology...."

 So, I text messaged her... I don't know if she got it, or even if I did it right... but I did something... 

I've had no reply. I guess she really just seriously does not want to hear from me anymore. Doesn't she need me? 

I guess not.

I'm just.... I'm just beside myself! 

Now as I've been sitting still for a while... thinking... drinking... grieving... torturing myself... being heartsick and full of regrets... 

I have had some revelations.

It's a tough time in life when your daughter is still your little girl but really growing up into a woman, and you are a woman that is growing old. 

My hopes of my relationship with my daughter has dropped to nothing. It does not exist anymore, if it ever existed at all. 

I did a lot of things wrong. I can't take it back and I can't fix it. I'm angry at myself, so leave me be. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

It Blows

I got some advice from a friend... blow it off...

Pheeewwwwwwwwwwww.... there it blows...

The answer my friend is blowing in the wind... that means there isn't any answer... you will never find it... and sometimes that has to be okay. It blows. But it's just got to be okay.

All of this has been a process for me... A process of letting go... when I have been clinging on with bare white knuckles at this point to hang onto my daughter... no wonder my hand is killing me... 

Forgive me if I'm being obtuse or speaking in a metaphoric way. If you know me, you know I get this way at times... 

I'm creative... and I seriously need to draw or paint something... then... I might be able to think clearly and talk to you and say something that makes sense. 

I've prevented Kay from contacting me through email... I will probably change my phone next... I won't lose contact with Tony so I figure if Dani wants to reach me she can do it through Tony. It's not like I am disappearing.

I want nothing more to do with Kay. 

I'm thinking now that I need to seriously get busy thinking about our future... It's wide open now really. We could do anything...I no longer have kids to consider and sway my decisions about staying in a place that is economically a nightmare for me. 

There is no work here for my field. I have found work anyway... other work... but I seriously would like to return to cake decorating and pastry work. It's what I know best and I do best. I miss it.

I've been paying my bills, and working. Wally went and got a real tire put on our car. Slowly but surely things are getting done. I have a lot of catching up to do.

We're content where we are but this is only temporary. We'd like a full kitchen where we can start to cook again. We've agreed that right now that is what we miss the most. 

It's a nice little place here though... It has a beautiful view of the Pacific ocean. One definite perk is the bathroom. The baseboard heater in there heats the towels! You get out of the shower and have a hot towel waiting for you! It's like a fancy spa or something... I will miss that. 

The TV and lights seem to be haunted... The TV comes on by itself. The lights go off by themselves. We just laugh about it... The only way we can make sure the TV stays off is to unplug it... Now... if it still came on while it was unplugged THEN I would freak out! 

For right now, it's nice... I am looking forward to more though. My feet are getting itchy and I'm looking for a change. 

Standing in the rain with the wind whipping my hair into my face... I'm reaching into the the wind... I'm trying to grasp something... Something that isn't full of lies... Something fresh.... Something clean... Something familiar...

The wind is leaving my hand empty as it blows through my fingers. 

Monday, March 14, 2011

I Hate E-Mail

I don't even want to check the damn thing anymore.

E-Mail is how I get updates on my daughter.

I'm so fuckin mad... oh I can't tell you...

The "medical updates" aren't just that... they are chocked full of insinuations of neglect.

The newest scoop of poop is about how according to Dani's immunization records she hasn't had any shots since 1999 when she was five. I got the usual chastising that I have come to expect from Kay.

My chin hit the floor.... WTF!!!!????

My stupid brains started churning... shit... I know she's had all of her immunizations. I remember getting notes from the schools as to what she was due for... There was one when she was 12.. I think and another when she was 14.... fuck me... where are the damned receipts???...( in our storage shed perhaps?... arghhh)

Most of kids immunizations are given before they are five. There's only a few boosters after that. I think.... I don't know, my mind is spinning... am I wrong?

I've been losing my mind...

This is NOT helping.

This woman is weird about medication, weird to me, she LOVES it... Oh she's insisted that Dani get the HPV shots too (Is that part of the shots that I have supposedly missed?)... I just don't know. I don't know.

I am not happy about the HPV shots because it's just too new, and I don't see it as being necessary.

How many things like this come out and then after a decade or so they find that it's detrimental to your health? Personally, I just do not have any faith at all in the FDA of the United States.

At this point all I know is that I'm fit to be tied.

I don't want to hear from this woman anymore.

I've made a decision.

I'm not getting any information from Kay about my daughter here.... I'm getting bashed over the head on pretty regular basis at this point.

I'm getting all this crap about how I could've gotten her insurance through the state.. like she did for her kids...well.. no I couldn't... you know why? Because I have been WORKING and she is not employed. I was EARNING too much money to get help. She lives off of the state... When you look at the big picture? Well, MY TAXES have been paying her way.

I am done with it.

This means really losing all contact with my daughter.

But you know what?.... I already have,  so I am not giving up anything... I've already lost my daughter.

I do not want to hear from this woman again... and I do not have to.

That is one thing that I can fix.... very easily.  

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Helping Yourself

I've just been sitting still.

A lot of things are going through my mind. 

I'm letting things be with my kids for right now and being quiet. Tony and Dani are very close. I've been asked not to communicate with Danielle at all, as per her wishes... I'm thinking it won't be good if I try to see Tony right now either... So I'm waiting. 

I feel a bit lost not having kids to consider at this point... 

If Danielle is not going to come home... I see no reason to make a home for us. 

The bottom line is that I just do not want to settle here, in this place... I would've left sooner but the kids liked here... They had friends and school and ties... and I have had... dwindling work options. 

I have lost everything.... not just money, and stuff, and belongings (although I've lost that too) but I have lost everything else kids, my pride, my spirit, my soul, my ambition, and my hope. 

And no... I do no not want to live here anymore. I am quite done. 

I have steady work until October and I'm taking all of that, but I do not want to spend another winter here. 

I will not spend another effing winter here... you got it? 

We're in a hotel room close to the border where I work. Monthly it's less than where I was renting. Plus there's no utility charges, we don't have to wash sheets or towels, or buy after dinner rolls (toilet paper)  or buy cleaning supplies, or pay for gas ( which is now well over 4 dollars a gallon here) for the commute... so it's cheap. 

We're able to live within my means...

Wally's passport has now expired. 

This causes complications we really do not need. I have the money to renew it. But there are problems... and problems... and problems... and I'm tiring of problems. 

We cannot get him "here" and get him a Social Security Card, and get him working... without his passport being valid... a valid birth certificate would be nice too, which it seems cannot be gotten. He was born in Portugal and records were kept like shit... they weren't kept.

In May it will have been 3 years since Wally has worked... 

There have been many times that I've said that I cannot do this any longer... many, many times... I have meant it every time... but here I sit...

Three years is a good chunk of time...time enough to help yourself... if you are ever going to...

I see no reason to make a home again... what the hell for? 

I don't need it. 

My kids are gone and my husband won't help himself get on his own feet... and I can no longer help anyone. Besides, how do you help someone that will not help themselves? 

I am just now getting back on my feet again.... this time... it's just for myself.... for nobody else but me. 

Maybe I'll feel more optimistic tomorrow but... I doubt it.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Trying To Make It Right

It was a long day at work doing assembly line work and I had a lot of time to think. I've had time to calm down.

I have wanted more than anything to put my little family back together, bring Dani back with us. I want my life back. We had a pretty nice little life at one time. 

She doesn't want that and I cannot blame her. The past year has been bad.

I told her everything would be okay... and it didn't turn out that way.

I've made a lot of mistakes while I've been so upset. I haven't been able to understand why nobody in my family seems to believe in me. I have lost everyone's trust.... Why?

What I have forgotten is what other people remember...

What I've forgotten is that it does not matter what you did that was good in the past. No, it does matter... it is just that good things aren't recalled as quickly as bad things. 

What matters is what you've done bad in the past. The bad stuff IS remembered first.

What matters MOST is what you're doing right now.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Going On

Anything I say can and will be held against me.

Oh well, so be it and amen... That's the way life is.

I'm going to write anyway. 

I suppose I'm about over the shock of everything and ready to move on. By move on I mean just keep going. 

I've had to cut myself off completely from one of the people that I love the most in the world. I had to because every little thing I say is taken and stretched out of context. My privacy of conversation was compromised and infested. It doesn't matter that I'm being extremely careful what I say. I am not willing to share it with a third party. It just doesn't matter... 

It think Kay might be looking for things to hang me with. Sorry, that's just what I think. She's trying to make things up... Medical neglect... please! She has provoked me, she wants me to email her. I'm not going to. 

Being silent will probably bite me in the ass too.  

Hell, I don't know what to do!!!

I'm feeling grief. I've made mistakes. I had to talk to my ex, which ended up being a screaming match that I lost this time... my mistake...

I was going to spend my time off apartment hunting... 

With such a world changing thing going on (in my world, my little world), it's hard to think about that. 

I had a meltdown. The sun never came up. I had another meltdown... 

Today has been better. I still don't know what to do. I am not really strong enough to deal with this right now. I am gaining, but I am not there yet. 

January was really a hard month. Wally and I never expected to really be in the position that we were. 

Right now I'm just recovering and licking my wounds. 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Well, here's a good dose of Fukitol... 

I keep thinking of things in bits and pieces....

My Goal #2 isn't going to happen. Dani doesn't want to come home. In fact she doesn't want any contact with me at all... right now... NO CONTACT.

I'm shaking my head... what the heck?... 

My daughter is a great kid really. I love her. I've gone through a lot with her. She's made a lot of mistakes as all kids do. She has paid for them, and I have too, as all parents do.

I got a call from Jake, (my ex, my kids father) demanding to know why I wasn't there when she was taken to the hospital. 

( I knew that would happen.)

I was not called. I didn't know she was there!!!! Dammit!!!!

We just got our mail today. The state has been notified that my daughter no longer lives with me. I need to provide proof of residence and people in my home or else I lose my food benefits completely. 

It's okay. I don't want to have to depend on that anyway. I was raised with ambition and I've worked all of my life and most of my life I've made enough money to not need benefits. I'll just do that again. I'll make more money. 

I have a headache already.

I wanted to apartment hunt today, but snow... oh snow, the first snowflake shuts down the town. 

More mail... I can no longer sue Jake (Jacob, for those that know him best legally) for child support because Dani is not living in my home. 

I called Dani to tell her what's going on. I was just in shock. Poor kid just had a root canal. Kay was supposed to have her temporarily. I was ready to take Dani back two weeks ago. But she's refusing to come with me and now my plans are on hold.... actually now my plans are cancelled completely and totally.

My daughter will not be coming home. She does not want to have any contact with me at all.

Jake called me to encourage me to sign the 3rd custody papers for Danielle. I told him that I wouldn't sign anything. He said he was going to. ( we have joint custody, by law he has more authority than I do because Dani was suppose to have been living with him.... however she ended up living with me because he could not care for her by himself)  I wanted her with me. 

I went to Florida and freeking rescued her. I guess that does not matter.

I enjoyed the time that I had.

He is going to sign her away. 

"Get ready to get sued for child support by Kay," I told him.

"I'd rather pay it to her than to YOU," he said. Then he hung up on me.

This was my former husband from 17 years.



I have no control over these things and the last thing my daughter wants is for me to fight for her, so I'm not going to. She does not want to hear from me, so I will not contact her. 

I'm thinking.... 

When Jake and I were divorcing he'd call here and she would cry. I asked him to stop calling her. I think this is the same. I'm being told that she cries after I call or visit. It is awful for her and I should stop. 

It isn't really the adults being assholes that brings the tears... It's the kids feeling grief... 

It doesn't matter what you say, they are just feeling the loss of you not sitting in the same room saying it. 

Now it's been insisted that I not make any contact with Danielle, so I'm not going to. She can contact me at any time. I will be there. 

Oh my gosh this will kill me, but it is what she wants. 

She said this wouldn't change anything, that I'd still be a part of her life... now I've had several people tell me that she no longer wishes to hear from me at all. 

I sent her an email on Facebook and got a reply back from Kay... wtf?

That's it... I cry UNCLE.... my am has been twisted. I can't fight this. Oh I could, but I am not going to this time. 

She wants me to let her go... and I know what that feels like.

I wanted Jake to let me go. He didn't want to. 

She can go. 

I've lost my daughter. 

Buuubbb Byeee