Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Well, here's a good dose of Fukitol... 

I keep thinking of things in bits and pieces....

My Goal #2 isn't going to happen. Dani doesn't want to come home. In fact she doesn't want any contact with me at all... right now... NO CONTACT.

I'm shaking my head... what the heck?... 

My daughter is a great kid really. I love her. I've gone through a lot with her. She's made a lot of mistakes as all kids do. She has paid for them, and I have too, as all parents do.

I got a call from Jake, (my ex, my kids father) demanding to know why I wasn't there when she was taken to the hospital. 

( I knew that would happen.)

I was not called. I didn't know she was there!!!! Dammit!!!!

We just got our mail today. The state has been notified that my daughter no longer lives with me. I need to provide proof of residence and people in my home or else I lose my food benefits completely. 

It's okay. I don't want to have to depend on that anyway. I was raised with ambition and I've worked all of my life and most of my life I've made enough money to not need benefits. I'll just do that again. I'll make more money. 

I have a headache already.

I wanted to apartment hunt today, but snow... oh snow, the first snowflake shuts down the town. 

More mail... I can no longer sue Jake (Jacob, for those that know him best legally) for child support because Dani is not living in my home. 

I called Dani to tell her what's going on. I was just in shock. Poor kid just had a root canal. Kay was supposed to have her temporarily. I was ready to take Dani back two weeks ago. But she's refusing to come with me and now my plans are on hold.... actually now my plans are cancelled completely and totally.

My daughter will not be coming home. She does not want to have any contact with me at all.

Jake called me to encourage me to sign the 3rd custody papers for Danielle. I told him that I wouldn't sign anything. He said he was going to. ( we have joint custody, by law he has more authority than I do because Dani was suppose to have been living with him.... however she ended up living with me because he could not care for her by himself)  I wanted her with me. 

I went to Florida and freeking rescued her. I guess that does not matter.

I enjoyed the time that I had.

He is going to sign her away. 

"Get ready to get sued for child support by Kay," I told him.

"I'd rather pay it to her than to YOU," he said. Then he hung up on me.

This was my former husband from 17 years.



I have no control over these things and the last thing my daughter wants is for me to fight for her, so I'm not going to. She does not want to hear from me, so I will not contact her. 

I'm thinking.... 

When Jake and I were divorcing he'd call here and she would cry. I asked him to stop calling her. I think this is the same. I'm being told that she cries after I call or visit. It is awful for her and I should stop. 

It isn't really the adults being assholes that brings the tears... It's the kids feeling grief... 

It doesn't matter what you say, they are just feeling the loss of you not sitting in the same room saying it. 

Now it's been insisted that I not make any contact with Danielle, so I'm not going to. She can contact me at any time. I will be there. 

Oh my gosh this will kill me, but it is what she wants. 

She said this wouldn't change anything, that I'd still be a part of her life... now I've had several people tell me that she no longer wishes to hear from me at all. 

I sent her an email on Facebook and got a reply back from Kay... wtf?

That's it... I cry UNCLE.... my am has been twisted. I can't fight this. Oh I could, but I am not going to this time. 

She wants me to let her go... and I know what that feels like.

I wanted Jake to let me go. He didn't want to. 

She can go. 

I've lost my daughter. 

Buuubbb Byeee



  1. Kim, I'm a mom, too.

    One of my sons was estranged for a long time, and I had to accept that for part of his life journey he had to find his own way...letting go was one of the hardest things I had to do. It was horrible not knowing where he was, what he was doing, what kind of people he was around, but that distance was something life demanded from me, so I let him go.

    That was many years ago, and he's still not as close as I wish he would be, but we ARE in contact and exchange messages occasionally. He's making his life work for him, seems happy, and has the love of a young lady I think is wonderful.

    Your heart is breaking--as it should--but you must accept that the universe is going to show Dani things that you are unable to at this point in time. If she's wise, she will learn what she is intended to learn as she goes; if she's unwise, she will still learn what she must, but it'll be a tougher journey and the lessons will be more poignant.

    I'm sure that my own mom felt the sense of disconnection from me during my teen years--we didn't get along well, but I grew out of it, and now, years later, that Mom is gone, there's not a day I don't miss her persence in my life with all my being. I still cry from missing her so much.

    Please, don't be too hard on yourself, dear friend--as you acknowledged, there are things you don't have control over; Dani must be allowed the dignity of her choices, any mistakes she might make along the way, and whatever insights she comes across.

    Mom made a little framed embroidered sampler with this saying on it...

    “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.”

    At the time, she understood it better than I did.

    I send my love and encouragement, dear friend.

    Be strong, believe in your own goodness, and never give up on love.

    In so many ways, you're my hero. Please remember that someone feels this way about you.

    I do.

  2. As you said Marge

    "Dani must be allowed the dignity of her choices, any mistakes she might make along the way, and whatever insights she comes across"

    Quite right... and I have overlooked this.

    You've surprised me. I have always read you (for years..starting in MSN Spaces) and loved your writing, admired you and wanted so much to get to know you better..although you seemed to not notice me at the were always my hero... so it is so odd to see your compliment.

    Thank You for being in my corner. You help greatly in keeping me going.