Saturday, February 19, 2011

Bitter Cold

We went down to the ocean today. For the first time in months, it seems, we've had a couple of days where the sun came out. 

I had the sun shining on my face, my hair blowing in the wind and my lover beside me. 

The wind was frigid. The ocean in Northwest Washington is not like any other ocean I have ever seen. The water was flat, the beach is covered with rocks and driftwood in between dark tree stumps that are obviously from trees that were felled long ago. The beauty of the day could not reach me. I had a deep sadness inside of me. 

My daughter is first on my mind right now. 

She has been very sick.  On Monday, she woke up around 2am to vomit and then her throat closed up and she was having trouble breathing. They took her to the ER and she was kept in the hospital until 5pm.

I knew nothing about this. I was never called. I'll have to tell you that I was absolutely irate that I was not contacted. THEY HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER. 

I saw something about the hospital on her Facebook that evening after I got in from work, but I didn't think much of it because I knew she had an appointment to see about having her tonsils out. I called to see how that went and found out about the rest. She assured me that she was fine, so I was calmer.  

I went to see her on my first day off, Wednesday. I'd been up late writing, so I woke up late. I threw on my clothes and called her real quick because I was running LATE, late, late... 

I took her out for coffee. We talked. She has been very sick. Kay has been taking her to numerous doctor's appointments. Her dentist has been changed and she's having a root canal done instead of having this one tooth pulled. The choice about the dentist is fine with me.

What I am not okay with, is seeing these numerous doctor's appointments and what seems to me to be a lot of meds... antibiotics and anti-nausea, and steroid based anti-inflammatory drugs.

Dani isn't used to taking prescription drugs. She's had antibiotics at times, but that was it. I have a very strong view about over-medicating. She was hardly ever sick anyway. She's always been very healthy. Why is she so very very sick now? 

I didn't say much of anything to Dani or Kay about any of this. I feel like I'm kind of on a leash here.

Dani says that the third-party custody would be the best thing for her. It's just like joint custody. It's not like I'll never be a part of her life she says. 

I'm sitting there hearing Kay's words come out of Dani's mouth and I am not believing it.

It is not that cut and dry. It is not that easy. 

First of all, it's not true. It is not just like joint custody, I do not think it's the best thing for her. I want Dani with me because I love her more than anything. I want Dani with me, even though she's almost 17. I really only have one more year before I'm sure she will go off on her own. I want that year anyway.

If Kay wants to say there is neglect on my part I have a lot to say about that and I have hard proof. 

I am not a bad mother. I have always taken care of and protected my children. I have always worked. This last year was rough because I just couldn't find enough work and I worked for an independent bakery that did not pay me. 

I'm not dumb, but I made a mistake.

I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving Dani in a safe home, but I have made a huge mistake leaving my daughter in Kay's care.

I'm not sure how this will turn out, of course. I've looked it up and I've sought advice. If I agree to a third-party joint custody, I can be sued for child support. ( I can count on being sued for child support. ) 

Great. Isn't it? 

I am just on my feet again. I've caught up on the storage unit payment, made the car payment, I have a steady income coming in for the first time in a year and I'm able to catch up. We've been staying here in this cheap hotel. The "rent" here is less than the rent at our old apartment. We've been paying weekly because I want to move. I want a home. 

I've been very careful. I can get into another place. I just have to find it.

I want my daughter back with me. She belongs with me. 

I realize this may not happen. Dani is older now. I did raise her to be independent. So it just may not happen. I'm hoping love will matter but it probably won't. She will look out for her best interests, something that I insisted that she do. 

I've always wanted to be that way, but I'm not. 

I'm glad that she is that way, but... did it have to come back to bite me? 

I look out for other peoples interests. I ignore my own, and it manages to get me nothing. I'm starting to think its some kind of a cruel joke. 

I was relieved to find out that I am not having to miss this week's work after all. It was good news. 

So, off I go... Three days of 12 hour shifts... 



  1. I'm glad you had a chance to get out into the sunshine, even on a bitter cold day, and even if your heart wasn't entirely there. The physical presence of sunlight on your face had a biochemical impact which you most likely needed.

    I continue to send you all my best hopes, love, and encouragement, and wish I were in a position to do more.

    Kim, listen to your instincts; they're there for a reason.

  2. Thank You Marge,

    I have no idea how this will turn out.. we'll just have to wait and see.