Tuesday, February 1, 2011


It was a really rough week... a lot of junk happened. There were a lot of ups and downs. 

We pretty much ran out of money again, just to be surprised by a very kind friend. 

Work has been going great and then I found out that my job will not be lasting. I don't know why I was so shocked. Why did I expect anything more this time? Why did I think I was special by being chosen out of so many for this "scheduled temp" position?

I'm starting to think I am "special" in a mentally retarded sort of way...

It has been proven to me over and over again since I got out here that there is no such thing as stable, long term employment here... not for me anyway... not with independent companies, not with nationwide companies, not with small companies... not in the grocery industry, restaurant industry, or industrial work. 

I will be out of work the last week of February while they are closed for inventory. (At least they gave us notice.) Then I will be out of work for good in October when the entire barline goes to automation. My job will no longer exist. 

October... right as winter hits... *sigh*... I don't think I can take another winter out here... Another winter struggling to find work... no, I don't want to do another one... I've had enough.

I finished out my workweek with my head spinning. It was another three days of being miserable, of being wet, cold and dirty as we slept in the car. 

The highlight of those days was the evening that we picked up a hot pizza and we ate the whole thing! 

I've also been very worried about my kids. I've had no idea what's going on in Tony's life. Not knowing tends to make your imagination go wild. For Danielle, I've just been giving it space and time... My feelings were hurt and I'll admit I've been a bit angry over it. I've had to back off from it so I can go back into it free of bitterness. I don't want to punish Dani for being honest with me. 

My paycheck came in, (the one with the extra days) and I was not disappointed with this one... We got a hotel room for two nights... part of me kicks myself... wasting  money... the expense... the other part of me says... forget about it... you need this... you need this to be able to go on... 

It has been wonderful.

I've taken three showers, slathered myself with lotion, the flaky skin is gone, the grime of the week is gone, my hair is clean. I've sprawled out all over the king sized beds soft sheets and fluffy pillows. I took a nap! I changed into clean clothes and I've been able to use the restroom whenever I need to. 

Today we go back to our mobile life... back to meals at the soup kitchens, public restrooms, wifi at the library, and sleeping in the car. We head back north tonight as I return to work tomorrow morning.

Yes, I think all of this is giving me a different outlook on life.

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