Sunday, January 30, 2011

Who Knew?

It was a tough week...

By Wednesday, Wally and I were kind of looking at each other wondering what to do... we were running out of money, our food stamps ran out, 160 for a month doesn't go very far when you have no access to cooking anything.

I think we did pretty well by buying 99 cent bread, lunchmeat, cheese, and cheap salad dressing (blue cheese)  to make sandwiches and the store brands potato salad, or mac salad for 1.25.

Do you ever wonder why the fat lady in front you in the checkout, (that pays with food stamps), buys nothing but junk food? Have you ever turned your nose up at that and thought, "My gosh! She's getting FREE food and only getting JUNK!??!"..... 

I have.

Now I am on the other side of the stick though... and guess what?

Milk is over 3 bucks a gallon. Juice is 3 or 4 bucks. Soda is 99 cents for a two liter. 

I want the milk or juice... but.... I have to buy the soda.

The rest is the same... fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meats, are just simply NOT affordable. Out here, in the west, the price of vegetables per pound is often much more than the meat. 

I just don't understand it.

But I won't roll my eyes and scoff again at the big-butt in front of me that has a cart full of soda, Lil Debbie brownies, store brand sugary cereal, and ramen noodles ever again... because I understand WHY there is nothing "healthy" or "nutritional" in her cart... I understand now... 

I understand THAT.  

I had my paycheck coming in on Thursday... but that was no help yet... We needed gas money so that I could get to work in a city 20 miles north of us the following morning. 

We went by the apartment to check the mail... and oh-my-thank-you-thank-you!!! There was a letter in the mail from a friend that wanted to help us. There was some money in it. OH! The timing could not have been better.

We went straight down and put 20 bucks of gas in the car... that would get me to work for the week!

Saved... I'm freeking saved.... I will pay it back and then some... just like with my other friends that helped us.  

The thing that puzzles me is... why wasn't my family there? I asked them for help. I got the answer no, along with insults or no response at all. I guess my brother Ed won't bother himself to write to me again until the next time he thinks he's dying! (like the last time)  

I can't fathom what I've ever done to make them think so poorly of me... except that they do not know me at all and are making guesses about my life. 

I keep thinking of my brother Marvin too... he got sick, he couldn't pay his bills, he lost his apartment while he was in the hospital. He was basically homeless when he got out. Oh, yeah, our brother, Ed, "helped" by giving away and selling most of Marv's stuff.... How kind of him.... I never said anything but that really pissed me off.

I did not know what all was happening at the time, but as soon as I found out that Marv was living with friends of his which wasn't really a good situation, I told him he was welcome in my home... and he lived with us from then on, then a spent a short time on his own, then came back to us... then he died.

Everyone in my family said no (or ignored) Marvin too, when he seriously needed help... except me...because... 

I have this silly idea you see... something about how family is supposed to take care of family and love each other and take care of each other... Perhaps I am unique. 

What I'm thinking of is my step-mom insisting that my father hug me.

Families are supposed to hug when they greet each other she said.


We were never like that.

We did hug each other, because she insisted, we both felt like we were hugging slimy worms. I'm glad I'll never have to see him again. Don't get me wrong... there was no type of abuse of any kind involved. There just simply is no affection. 

My aunt Sue thinking that I'm on drugs...I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. What is she thinking? 

I thought she knew me well.

I love her... but there have been many times that I have not liked her at all. She is not without flaw. Really when I think about it, I know of quite a few of HER "bad choices". 

Yes, I have had a lot of time to think...

I think that I like to imagine that my family are something that they aren't. I think I've enjoyed imagining that for a long time... decades... It's time to just accept it for what it is.

Why won't they help me?

Why wouldn't they help Marvin?

Oh it has taken me too long to see this...

They don't care.

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