I suppose that pretty much describes my life right now... fragmented... it's in pieces...
There are large chunks of time and small slices of moments. Memories don't matter anymore. The past does not exist. That was yesterday, and yesterday is gone.
We're at the coffee shop having their cheapest, smallest hot coffees. We snacked on some Little Debbie oatmeal creme cookies that I bought with food stamps and crammed in my pocket for this occasion. I'm breaking the rules by sneaking these in but I cannot afford to buy the muffins they sell here at four bucks a pop.
I wait until there is nobody up at the counter before I go up to get a refill of coffee. I don't want to be close to anyone because I know I smell bad. I have not had a shower since Tuesday and I have worked two 12 hour shifts since then at the cereal plant. I know I am covered in cereal dust and reek of perspiration. My hair is tangled and greasy so I just twisted it up in a bun and put on my knitted hat to cover it all.
I miss my daughter and found myself close to tears a few moments ago just thinking of her.
I am glad she is not with us. I say this with my heart breaking. I love her so dearly. I do not want to drag her down the path that I am walking.
She deserves a better life than the one Wally and I are living right now.
We didn't get a hot meal last night but that was okay. We had cold buffalo chicken nuggets with blue cheese dressing and a creamy mac salad while we sat in the car in the dark.
We're to the point now that it does not matter whether it's hot or cold. It does not matter what it is. It doesn't matter if it's seasoned right or if it's "good"... It doesn't matter. It matters that it's food and we're thankful to have it.
Wednesday we went to the Northwest church to have a hot lunch. "Old Blue" laid quietly by the door. She is an old fat dog that looks to be blind in one eye and has no tail. She just looked at us. Maybe she remembered us from the "Soup's On" place last week.
I looked around... some of the faces are the same... some are different. Some of these people live in their cars, some live in tents, some still have homes but just cannot afford to feed themselves.
The man beside us complains about his employer. He's worried about being paid for work he's done. I feel bad for him. I understand. I have been down that road too.
A young girl with choppy hair and a little belly popping out above her jeans revealed by a shirt that is too small and too short, brags with excitement to her friends that she has to work tonight.
I wonder exactly how many of these people are employed... like me... employed but homeless... the "working poor"... it seems like a lot of them.
I think... yes, I think I will never again laugh at people who make fun of people wearing odd clothes. The young lady was wearing a shirt that was too small and jeans that were too tight, but it was probably all she had... besides, I am starting to look pretty odd myself.
I hate my hat... It looks stupid...
Wally and I sat and ate our hot meal. It was taco casserole, along with cooked carrots and a green salad with chocolate cake for dessert. Yes, after years of never eating cake... I eat cake now. I'll eat anything now. I didn't leave one speck of anything on my plate.
My problem for today is getting cleaned up. I have a catering job tonight and I need to be freshly washed and impeccably dressed all in black with shined shoes. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to accomplish that.
One place that we go to offers showers, but it's only on Tuesdays and Fridays between 9am and 1pm. They have a really nice set up there. They supply everything you need, shampoo, soap, conditioner, razors, deodorant, powder, wash cloths and clean towels. We were even able to get clean socks there one day which was a great help since everything we had was dirty.
I guess my thoughts are as fragmented as my life is right now.
My priority is just to keep working as much as I can, save up money and try to get us back into some housing as fast as I can. I'm thinking the longer we're out on the streets the harder it may become.