I Am Not Hurt

I want to get drunk.


I want to get totally sloshy, messy, disgustingly drunk... I want to lick salt off the back of my hand, down shots of tequila and bite slices of lime until I can't see straight, until I can't walk straight, until I'm vomiting in the tub because I cannot find the toilet.  


The only problem with this plan is that I have no money to buy the booze... So, I guess I won't be getting drunk.


I want to scream. I want to scream my freeking head off like a crazy person. 


Yeah.


I won't be doing that either.


I want to cry... I want to cry hysterically.... I want to cry until I'm dry heaving and have the hiccups... 


Yeah.


That's just another thing that won't be happening. 


I have no tears. I have no emotions. I'm numb.... but I still would like to be even more numb, like completely
numb due to being dead drunk... 


I did cry a bit earlier today but it really was not enough. It was enough to get my lover to hold me for a few minutes after being invisible to him all day, but it was not enough.


I hurt him by not going on in to bed with him the past couple of nights. I didn't mean to, but I did. I have no excuses. I have no reasons. 


I went on to work, expecting to spend a 12 hour shift there, work all night, but they sent all of the temps home due to equipment failure. I worked for two hours. 


I drove on home bent out of shape. This stinks. No work equals no income. This means I'll have no money next week either. What the hell am I going to do?


For the first time in years I did not want to come home. What would I walk in to? Will I still be invisible? Perhaps the most frightening thought... a thought from days that are long past.... Do I care?  


No, it does not matter that people try to hurt me... It does not matter because I do not feel it. I do not hurt because I do not care. 


And I've got this great property for sale in the Everglades... it's prime stuff... really..