Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Reality Check

I'm calm... really I am... 

I'm trying to figure things out in my head. It's time to face some truths and accept them, and get on with it. I have been stuck on pause for far too long. 

The work situation out here is dismal. I need to stop being so frustrated by not finding what I'm looking for. I have to face it... what I've been looking for just might NOT be here. I might not ever work as a cake decorator again. I might not ever make decent wages again. I might not ever work "full-time" at a good company again.

I'm not saying that I'm going to stop looking or stop being... hopeful... 

I'm saying that I have to stop counting on it... 

I'm trying to get my priorities in order. What do I need to do first to get myself out of this mess?

It's a tough question because there is so much I need to do that it's overwhelming. What makes it worse is the fact that I've postponed doing a lot of things. I keep thinking that someone will help me with it. Someone will help me find another place to live, help me find more work, help me with some of the paperwork and red tape I'm needing to wade through to get assistance... but that isn't happening and I need to stop thinking that it's going to happen. 

I have so many things that I'm worrying about... big things... earning enough money, keeping a roof over our head, keeping my car... How am I going to feed us next month? (My benefits have run out and I don't think I can renew them since I quit my job at Twilight... THAT was a HUGE mistake. I should not have quit. 

First things first... I've got to get my head outta my.... outta the clouds... The first step to dealing with the real world is living in it with your feet firmly planted on Earth. The past is gone and I am not the same person that I used to be. I need to ditch what's left of the ego that I used to have. It has held me back. I've turned away jobs and quit jobs because I've thought that I was beyond them. 

I've been submerged in a dream world that has not been good for me or for my daughter.

I've delayed doing things that I need to do because I've wanted to keep dreaming and enjoy my life as a graceful lady and a passionate lover with my new exciting partner. 

Now I'm starting to wonder if "dream" is just a nice word for "lie"... 

The truth is I'm a frumpy old lady that is barely employable and I'm going to have to fix that.  

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