Choices

I have been quiet. 


It's just been a period where I don't have a whole lot to say. 


It is a very humbling experience to flat out fall on your face and fail... and I don't mean getting an F in a college course or having a piece of artwork turn out yukky, or burning up dinner.... I mean majorly screwing up. 


I mean failing at life... providing what we need to survive... shelter, food, clothing... just THAT much... I'm not talking extras here... I've never had trouble with this before. I've always been able to get along, and do well!


I emailed a few family members and asked them for some help. 


People always say that it doesn't hurt to ask. 


I'm having to think about that... In my case it seems to always hurt to ask... always... maybe that's why I stopped asking years ago.... Maybe that's why I wish I hadn't asked now.  


Now as I'm still trying to gain some kind of confidence and self esteem or something inside of me that thinks..yeah, I deserve good stuff... seems like I keep getting rejected or insulted by my... family? Yes they are blood relations... Good Grief... 


We got the "for real" final eviction notice on the 3rd. Court ordered. Yes, I am being sued and everything. We were given ten days to get out.


My Aunt relied to my email saying that I have made some bad choices throughout my life and told me that if I have a drug problem I should admit myself to a clinic. 


Total shock.


Yes, I felt insulted, but seriously... that is so ridiculous that it's easy to dismiss... Puhhhh- Leeeeze.....


Drugs? ... Are you freeking kidding me?... I don't even know what "drugs" are during these times. Really. Pfft!  I've had to pee in a cup about 150,000 times out here, to apply for jobs, to go to any new temp job, to keep my jobs... 


Bad choices she said... I've made bad choices.... I am still pondering that one. 


Yes... I have made some bad choices in my lifetime. Hasn't everyone? 


I think I've also made some very good choices... in my lifetime. 


I always thirsted for knowledge and worked very hard at school. I never gave my heart away easily. I left my fist husband, who was abusing me. I worked very hard at my career as a cake decorator. I made a lot of brides happy. I raised two beautiful people that I am very proud of. I took care of my older brother when he was ill and brought him into our home to live. I left a loveless marriage. I brought my kids to a beautiful place that has fresh air, clean water and organic everything. I married a wonderful man, who is now the father my kids look to and my very best friend. 


I'm not going to list my bad choices. It would depress me and you probably know them all anyway... maybe another day when I feel like torturing myself I'll do that.