Helping Yourself

I've just been sitting still.


A lot of things are going through my mind. 


I'm letting things be with my kids for right now and being quiet. Tony and Dani are very close. I've been asked not to communicate with Danielle at all, as per her wishes... I'm thinking it won't be good if I try to see Tony right now either... So I'm waiting. 


I feel a bit lost not having kids to consider at this point... 


If Danielle is not going to come home... I see no reason to make a home for us. 


The bottom line is that I just do not want to settle here, in this place... I would've left sooner but the kids liked here... They had friends and school and ties... and I have had... dwindling work options. 


I have lost everything.... not just money, and stuff, and belongings (although I've lost that too) but I have lost everything else too...my kids, my pride, my spirit, my soul, my ambition, and my hope. 


And no... I do no not want to live here anymore. I am quite done. 


I have steady work until October and I'm taking all of that, but I do not want to spend another winter here. 


I will not spend another effing winter here... you got it? 


We're in a hotel room close to the border where I work. Monthly it's less than where I was renting. Plus there's no utility charges, we don't have to wash sheets or towels, or buy after dinner rolls (toilet paper)  or buy cleaning supplies, or pay for gas ( which is now well over 4 dollars a gallon here) for the commute... so it's cheap. 


We're able to live within my means...


Wally's passport has now expired. 


This causes complications we really do not need. I have the money to renew it. But there are problems... and problems... and problems... and I'm tiring of problems. 


We cannot get him "here" and get him a Social Security Card, and get him working... without his passport being valid... a valid birth certificate would be nice too, which it seems cannot be gotten. He was born in Portugal and records were kept like shit... they weren't kept.


In May it will have been 3 years since Wally has worked... 


There have been many times that I've said that I cannot do this any longer... many, many times... I have meant it every time... but here I sit...


Three years is a good chunk of time...time enough to help yourself... if you are ever going to...


I see no reason to make a home again... what the hell for? 


I don't need it. 


My kids are gone and my husband won't help himself get on his own feet... and I can no longer help anyone. Besides, how do you help someone that will not help themselves? 


I am just now getting back on my feet again.... this time... it's just for myself.... for nobody else but me. 


Maybe I'll feel more optimistic tomorrow but... I doubt it.