Push and Pull

I want to curl up in a little ball and hide today... Yeah... Why can't I just do that?


Why does everything have to be so hard?  It.. really.. should.. not.. be.. this.. hard.  


I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm frustrated and I'm worried. I don't want to have to fight anymore for what should be given to me without question. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being pushed. I'm f*cking tired of it...


I've been having big problems at work pretty much since the day I started the job a year and a half ago... beginning with a verbal agreement about wages, which turned out to be horse-dung. I was told, "Oh, gee, I don't remember ever saying that,"


Even the set wages for a "Baker I" according to The Union were ignored. The Union would not even return my calls. I'm not sure why.. maybe they were on vacation spending the 6 figure incomes they earn, or maybe it was because I owed them dues and they knew I had already received letters threatening to terminate me from my job if I didn't pay.


I earned minimum wage for the first three months I was there. I was NOT prepared for that. That was NOT what I was told I would earn. 


What would that do to YOU financially? I know what it did to me. It ruined me.


Day before yesterday... I was okay... I was ready to drop being upset with my boss. But...


I got another "note" from him yesterday morning. 


Then I checked my schedule. *sigh*... My hours have been cut even more. I have less than others that have less time in than I do. This is a violation of Union policy. I have some seniority, not a lot.. but some. I should get more hours than "newbies"... There should be no question.


I have gotten many notes from him. I have written notes back. I have spoken to him in person. I have taken it to other management. They know that he's offended me. I have made it known that I do not deserve, nor will I put up with his angry notes. 


I have gotten in return, verbal and written apologies, shrugs, and then....  been bitten in the hind-end and had even more pressure applied to me.


Then the fun started in with my starting time as soon as I bought my car.. in at 10pm.. in at 12 midnight.. in at 1am... in at 2am.. doh!... Back to 1am... oh now it's 2am.. Doh!  Back to 1am... Nope make it 2am.. What will it be next? 


It's been like having daylight savings time happen once a week! SO much fun!


Mine is that only schedule that is flopping like this... The 4am baker is in at 4am. The clerk is in at 6am. The boss is in at 7am. The decorator's are in at 8am. The mid-shift clerk at 9am. The closing clerks at 2pm.


Why does MINE have to be different every week?  


Since my grievance that was filed from the Union was dropped, ( The false accusation that I showed up to work intoxicated... drug and alcohol tests proved that I was not) they put me under the gun for tardies...


They had to dig back nine months to find another day that I was late... it fell like two days within their limit. Can you believe it? I was freeking awestruck... Yougottabekiddingme... 


I was written up and told that if I was late one more time within the next nine months I would be suspended for three days without pay. If I was late AGAIN after that, within that time frame, ( nine months) I would be fired.


So, in the meantime this other crap is going on. I have been given more and more to do with less time to do it in... so okay... Then my schedule is cut.. and cut.. and cut... I have not been able to pay my rent.    


I have brought my hours to my bosses attention.. I've gotten apologies, excuses and he fixed it. I got more hours...  for that week... Then the next week I get even less hours... Then it is repeated.. "oh so sorry! Honest mistake!" he said...it gets fixed... and then it was repeated again... and again. 


Wally and I have had many conversations about my workplace and I realize he's upset at the way that I've been treated and the way everything's been handled. 


When I came home yesterday and told him that I got another "note" and my schedule has now been cut down to 20 hours he had a more than a few things to say about it. 


Now Wally's words from yesterday are ringing in my ears...


"They walk all over you because you never stand up for yourself. You just keep taking it," he said. 


I was shocked... Of all people.. He knows what I have been through and how I have fought them. Or maybe, he doesn't. Or maybe, I have just lost my mind... 


So, okay.. he said this after I told him that I just don't want to fight this.. 




I have gone through a cycle with this in the past couple of years... 


Sometimes I feel strong and I fight tooth and nail. Then I get numb to it all and really want to ignore it. Then I get weak and really reach out, bad enough to ask, even cry for help... and when it is not there I get angry... Then the cycle starts again and I'm ready to fight because I have no other choice.


Right now I'm at the numb part where I really want to pretend this isn't happening.


At the rate I am going, I will NEVER have enough "extra money" to file Wally's paperwork so he can get his SSN and start working in the states. This just isn't going to happen. 


I clearly realize that nobody is coming to rescue me. I have no safety net. No one can help me.


I just don't want to get to the weak part again... 


Why couldn't I be one of the lucky one's and grow up to be a housewife?