I was still feeling pretty put out... I work so hard... I work so much and yet.. I STILL cannot pay my bills. What happened to the American Dream? What happened to MY dreams? I guess they died right along with everything and everybody else...
I was feeling very resentful towards the people that I love the most. I have a daughter to feed at home... a daughter that's needing the dentist and a trip to the doctor... a daughter that's in counciling that I cannot afford to pay for.. I'm glad my son is grown and on his own... that's one less to worry about taking care of... I have a husband to support and to be perfectly honest, I'm sick of supporting people...it seems like I've done this shit all of my life.
I took another look at my schedule and sighed... no it hadn't changed. I still had only twenty hours. How in the world am I supposed to support all of us on half of a paycheck? Why do I have to fuss and fight over this every stinking week? Oh dear heavens I am soooooo tired of it.
After bashing the crap out of apple fritter dough, using muscles that cried in pain at every chop with that metal scraper... tears stinging my eyes as my elbows cried out for mercy... I decided to take my ten minute break.
I went outside for a smoke... I don't smoke much anymore, can't afford it, but I can't help it, I still enjoy it.
No rest for me though... here came a woman walking up to me from the parking lot... terrific... probably a pan-handler... what is she going to beg me for?Whatever it is, I don't have it... this was my last cigarette and my pockets were empty.
She didn't ask anything of me except to know what day it was and what time it was. She clutched herself and said that she'd gotten too cold out in her van to sleep any longer. The van was out of gas and she and her son were living in it, in our parking lot.
"We're homeless," she said and as I looked into her eyes I saw my own reflection... the anger, the frustration, the desperation, the hardship... except hers was ten-fold what mine was...
She was waiting for her first welfare check to come in and went on to tell me how she just couldn't wait until it arrived. Her plans were to get a hotel room to get cleaned up and get a hot meal for herself and her son... she said she couldn't remember what a hot meal was like... and I believed her. All I had to do was look at her and I knew she was telling the truth.
I told her she should use our back bathroom to get cleaned up in the meantime. It's a large private bathroom. You could do a pretty good sponge bath in there.
I suggested going to "the mission" for a meal. She said she'd been there. After they fed 400 folks they ran out of food and the remaining 200 went without... she and her son were part of the 200 that were turned away.
I suggested another place in town to seek some help and find some housing... she'd been there... she was placed on the waiting list... they were going to help her try to find work though but that was not looking good, since she had no work experience at all. She explained that she'd been married for 18 years and her husband did not want her to work. She had run an online business for 8 years though, but now she had no internet... 3 computers in her van but no way to get on the net...
I started to suggest the coffee shop that I used to frequent... for two bucks you can sit and drink your fill of coffee and have free wi-fi for four hours... I bit my tongue though... I knew that she didn't have two dollars... I also knew she was too proud to ask for it... no matter how bad times got... she wasn't going to beg.
I felt as if I was standing there talking to myself... and I was thinking again of my empty pockets... wishing that I did have a couple of dollars... thinking of these little frozen breakfast scramble meals that I used to get once in a while... they were really good... two of those would be under two dollars with my employee discount and I could heat them in our breakroom microwave and snag a couple of forks from the deli and give them to her... so she and her son could have a hot breakfast while they wait for help... if only I had two dollars...
She came into the store with me and headed to our back bathroom as I had suggested to her. I wished her good luck as it was the only thing I had to offer her. She wished me luck also and I had to smile... what a sweet woman...
I was lost in thought for the rest of my shift...
After meeting that woman it was very hard to feel sorry for myself anymore.
I was thinking of how stupid I am for being so small minded and self-absorbed...
I was thinking about the accident at the cereal company... a young beautiful woman seriously burned on her face... and how shallow I am to look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see... I am not burned or scarred or suffering as she is... I think I can live with my wrinkles, and jowls, and age spots...
I was thinking of the homeless woman... I would not be going out to sleep in the cold with an empty belly.. just waiting.. and waiting...
I am employable. I have two jobs in fact and that's probably pretty good for these economic times. Maybe I don't make enough money, but we're not going to go hungry... maybe I won't be able to keep my nice apartment much longer, but we'll find something...
I was going to be able to go home, get a hot shower, slip into clean clothes, eat my fill of a hot meal and climb into a warm soft bed beside my lover.
I have a loving daughter that's had her share of troubles here as of late, but I really couldn't ask for a better kid.
I also have a very loving husband that is the light of my life and my soulmate. He cleans our home, cooks our meals, and washes our dishes and clothes without complaint. He massages my sore muscles, rubs my aching feet and holds me until I go to sleep even when he is not tired yet. He wakes me during the night, or in the morning,( whatever my shift might be) for work, and he is at the door with smiles and kisses when I arrive home.
Our home is full of love and laughter... even if we are broke and worried about the future...
I have it pretty good... so what the heck am I complaining about?
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