Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Time For A Change

Yesterday was a horrible day... The day deteriorated from the morning when I quit my job.

I came home to blog about it.. blow off my steam and then I collapsed on the couch in a messy lump to drift into a dreamless light sleep... 

Wally was looking at "want ads"... I vaguely recall his voice, "Here's an assistant bakery manager job, you should send in your resume,"

"You send it," I said.

"I want to see you get back on that horse," he told me. 

"I'm tired of the horse... you ride it for a while," and I rolled over. 

I was sleeping good when my kiddo showed up at the door. Tony came to visit. We fed him and talked for hours... I was really wanting to sleep ALL day... sleep FOREVER... but I wanted to see Tony more... 

Then there was a knock on the door and we all fell totally silent... there was a sense of dread.. the air instantly turned thick... we heard the paper rustle, as yet another eviction notice was taped to our door... I probably cannot stave it off this this time... I have no more income coming in at the moment. ( I don't think the joker's at the flatbread place have any intention of paying me anything)

A bit later on we received a phone call from the property management people. Yeah, they probably aren't going to give us much more time living here... we don't have anyplace to go... yet...

I'm kicking myself in the butt for quitting Twilight... It wasn't much but it was something... 

Then Wally took Dani to her mandatory "counciling program" and Tony and I really had a chance to talk... like old times... more was said... we were both more open with each other since it was one on one. It was a good couple of hours.

Then Wally and Dani came back in with long faces.... oh my heavens... What now? 

Dani had just "graduated" in her counciling program a couple of weeks ago, and it was reduced to once a week... instead of three times a week.

Now? She had to sit there, look me in the eyes and tell me what happened. 

"My UA came back dirty," she said...

WHAT??? WHAT???? She hasn't been anywhere! Hasn't done anything! 


She swears she didn't do anything... I don't know what to think... I want to believe her.. 

She's back into counciling three days a week... great... just freeking WONDERFUL!.. (this costs money you see... Jake is supposed to be paying for this, but of course he isn't.. so since I am the primary guardian, it's going on my credit... I have been receiving phone calls regarding paying for it.)

Then I'm also thinking about a UA that came back bad for me once, years ago, (cheap tests...  I've had to take them for years with my employers) and I knew it was wrong. It had to be wrong. I hadn't done anything at all... I insisted on a retest right then and there, which then gave a valid reading... (I had to do a third one and the negative result was accepted after that) ... is that the case here? 

So I am not sure what to think... I KNOW she hasn't had a "party" night... she hasn't been OUT... 

Again... I am thinking of the past when Tony was accused of vandalizing cars. (He'd been grounded and home with me for the entire month) They swore they had pictures of him and everything caught on video and they were going to take this to court... They threatened me... Guilty until proven innocent.. That's the way it is here. 

I told them to bring it on, because I was sure they had pictures of someone else... and they did.. they had pictures of someone else... nothing ever happened further with that... except that I'm still angry over it. 

Then what I went through at Twilight? My test came back clean (of course) and they still insisted on treating me as if I'd done something wrong... couldn't possibly admit that THEY had made a mistake...  

I wish I could just get Dani out of here... Get all of us out of here... Who knows? That might be the plan yet.

I'd planned to get up early today and call blob-employ and get myself some work for today, but I just couldn't get out of bed. 

I'm SO disappointed in SO many ways.... mostly disappointed in myself... 

How long has it been now?... oh, it just seems like every choice I make has been the wrong choice... I am not strong. I am not brave. I am not smart. I'm just muddling on through this life trying to survive. 

I did get an extra check from Twilight... it's enough to pay my car payment. So I am saved there... 

By the time I got up the sun was already shining. (I am usually up WAY before the sun makes an appearance) It's cold here, and I stepped out onto our balcony in my robe with a cup of coffee... took a deep breath of the crisp autumn air... and tried to gather my thoughts... It's a new day. 

What do I do next?

I dunno...

What am I going to do next? 

Ohhhh, I have no clue...

A flicker woodpecker flew up to our feeder... the sun was shining through his tail and it was bright red... he turned his head and I could see the splashed mark of a red streak going back from his eye... it looked unreal... like someone had rubbed red paint on him with a fingertip streaming it back... so bright red... so beautiful. 

It's fall and the birds are changing...

Perhaps I should change too. 


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