Que Sera Sera

The vibes at home have been weird today... Happy but sad... we joke but we're not joking... confusion... meloncholy... strange.. bizarre...  odd vibes...


We're packing... I don't think any of us want to move but it's looking like we'll have to.


Wally has been moving our things into a storage unit for the past couple of days. We don't have any experience with eviction. How does this work? Do they just lock you out? Do police escort you out? Do we just get a court order to leave? Will they give us any more time?


I don't have enough money saved up yet to get us into a new place, so this is getting rather scary... 


I'm trying to just keep my cool going on... Truthfully, I've been pulling on memories of the hurricane season in Florida of 2004, and how we survived with no home, no power, no clean water... it was tough. I did have a little money back then, but truthfully?...  money really doesn't help you much when the entire area you're in is destroyed. The silly green paper in my hand could not buy me a bag of ice ( on a 100 degree day in Florida) because there WASN'T any ice within a 250 mile radious from us... but gee I wish I had some of that money now. 


Sometimes I think... well I survived that, I survived this, I survived the other things.. it can't get any worse... or? Can it?  


I have come to a quiet calmness of acceptance of the way things are. ( It's okay, I'm sure that feeling will wear off and I'll be pissed off within a few days.) 


My main concern is my daughter Dani. I don't want her to worry about this too much. She's got enough to worry about right now... she is a teenager after all. She been busy trying to fix all of the mistakes she's made. She's a good kid. She's making it right.


Maybe it was me putting out the weird vibes... It seemed like a normal enough day. I started cooking (to clean everything out of the freezer and fridge) and cleaning, (the stovetop, the dishwasher, the cabinets) and packing.. the clothes that I want to keep but rarely wear. 


I helped Dani color her hair and fielded her questions... smiled and nodded as she began to talk about things we could do when we get to our "new home" and get all settled in...


*cringe* 


We were thrilled as Stellar Jays came in to sit on our balcony and our little forest was just covered with a variety of birds for the day, many of them coming to feed at our suet feeder. We also sighted eagles which is always a thrill.


All of that... and then my heart was still breaking as I packed...  


I called the UNION about my boss scheduling newbies more hours than me. ( a clear violation)  I'm over and done with this... Every time my schedule comes up short I'm calling the UNION. I'm done trying to handle this "on a store level"... I'm going to go over everyone's head... My patience and understanding is now officially gone.... oh soooo gone. My tolerence level is at zero. 


I called about suing for child support... It could take a year or two before I receive one thin dime for that... over a year... and I'll have to take it back through court... great... terrific... give me something, (preferably something fragile) to throw... 


I'm starting into another workweek... doing a glorious six day stretch of whopping 4 and 5 hour night shifts at Twilight. It's just enough work to muck up my nights and barely enough pay to cover half of my gas costs to get in there... The area I live in has the highest fuel costs in the U.S. ... We live 600 miles from Alaska.. Isn't the Alaskan pipeline right there? We're sitting right beside fuel.. Will someone PLEASE explain to me why our fuel prices are higher than the entire rest of the country? 


Oh yeah... It's because they tax the life out of us here... I almost forgot..  


Hoping I can keep myself together this week and pick up some extra work through the temp service. Here again, that kind of stinks because I really have to take it when I can get it... not neccessarily when it is convenient for me... so it means doing some double-shifts.. or more... like working around the clock going from one job to the next and then back to the other.  


If I refuse work from them, they don't call back to offer more work. They often call at the last minute and they expect you to go. They will also often call you at the last minute to cancel a job on you. It does not matter how many times they crap out on you... It DOES however matter when you turn down any work they throw your way... so basically, if you want work you cannot tell them no... 


The night is going to be too short... 


I just got a big long hug from my daughter... that is weirdness in itself... oh no I'm not complaining at all. I'm quite pleased and I was very surprised... and.. I needed it... I'm just saying it isn't a common occurence... it kind of brings more confusion into my thoughts. 


The only thing that I know for sure is that I'm good and sick and tired of being afraid... Fear has been crippling me... and what have I been afraid of? 


I'm afraid of what I don't know, of what might happen next... of... I dunno what... of the unknown... I suppose... 


Now... writing it down... oh it seems like nonsense... Yes, it seems dumb... doesn't it? 


I can't be afraid anymore... the fear that I've had has been far worse than any reality that I might have to face..... I think..... 


I'm just going to trudge on through this and do my best and keep hoping... from there? Well, I guess whatever will be... will be.